A Letter of Welcome to A Trillion Cicadas

I have appointed myself as head of The Cicada Welcoming Committee.

This spring, for the first time in more than two centuries. two broods of cicadas numbering about 1 trillion combined, will emerge in the Midwest and the Southeastern United States, making their first joint appearance since 1803. And since alot has changed since then, I thought I would take this opportunity to write them a brief but also informative note welcoming them back.

Dear Cicadas.

Since I do not live in one of the states you have decided to visit for this year’s rebirth ceremony, I want to apologize to all trillion of you who have returned for the first time in 221 years for not being there to welcome you in person . Nevertheless, since I appear to be one of the few remaining clear-headed people in our country right now, I have appointed myself as your greeting and steering committee.

I understand that after this spring, it’ll be another 221 years before the whole bunch of you get together again, so it’s important that you make every moment of your visit really count. That is why it pains me to inform you that the 2024 version of the United States you are going to visit is not really our finest hour, especially in some of the southern and midwestern states you have chosen for your home base. It’s probably for the best that you will be too busy with the whole morphing-from-a-nymph-into-an- adult, then finding-a-mate-and-reproducing thing to have much time left over for mingling with the locals. Still, I know you will want to make the most of whatever free time you do have, which is why I think it’s only fair to warn you, before you finalize your plans, that a lot has changed since you all convened here 221 years ago.

Some cicadas dressed for the last trillion cicada convention in 1803.

First of all, geographically speaking, you may recall “the Louisiana Purchase,” which was probably still pending when you were here last? Well, it not only went thru in 1803 but it nearly doubled the size of the country. Maybe you also remember hearing a lot of people whining about what a waste of 15 million dollars it was for only 828 thousand square miles at 4¢ an acre. Actually, that did turn out to be a pretty good deal. They eventually divided the parcel up into not only Louisiana, but also Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, and parts of Minnesota, New Mexico, Montana, Wyoming, and Colorado. So in retrospect, their whining seems a little bit short-sighted. Especially in light of the fact that a few weeks ago, a new contemporary style house on less than an acre of land a few blocks away from where I live went on the market for 22 million dollars. Yes, it looks like a spread from Architectural Digest with its artistically placed Joshua trees and a sand colored landscape arrangement that complement the off white stucco exterior and its many floor-to-ceiling glass walls and sky lights. But 22 million is a relative bargain compared to the house Beyonce and her husband bought a mere 5 miles away for 190 MILLION. Granted, their’s is a very spacious parcel of land, but it isn’t even close to being big enough to be eligible for statehood.

Also you may recall that Ohio was in the middle of being admitted to the union as the 17th state the last time you guys all got together. In case you’re wondering, that also went through without a hitch. But for those of you who have picked Ohio as your vacation site this time around, the place is a lot different than the way you might remember it when it was “known for its ethnic and linguistic diversity, religious tolerance and fertile farmland” in 1803. Now it’s more or less known for the exact opposite. Though has produced its share of illustrious citizens over the years. Wilbur and Orville Wright invented the first airplane in Dayton, which may not seem like a big deal to you guys since you were flying long before we got around to it. But how about this? The guy who invented Play Doh was also from Ohio! As far as sightseeing goes, I don’t know your taste in music, (though I suspect it might veer toward EDM since it kind of resembles the cacophonous, bass-heavy songs that you cicada dudes rely on to attract the ladies) so I’m thinking maybe you’d be interested in taking a trip up to Cleveland to visit the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. I’ve personally never been and, to be honest, I’ve heard a lot of people complain about the place. But then again, these days a lot of people complain about literally EVERYTHING. You name it, lots of people hate it. Intense rage and hatred are kind of at the heart of what currently binds the country together so don’t use that as a gauge.

Oh. And also the last time you guys met up, Marbury v. Madison had just passed. To refresh your memories: It was a ruling in which the Supreme Court established “the principle of “judicial review” which meant that “American courts have the power to strike down laws and statutes they find that violate the Constitution of the United States.” Unfortunately, it pains me to be the one to inform you how few people running the American courts since 2016 have any idea what is written in the Constitution, especially since the appointment of a lot of boneheads to judgeships under the 45th president. I am cutting myself off here, because I really do not want to ruin your holiday by explaining what has happened to the Supreme Court since then. Just be glad that you didn’t choose 2016 to emerge for the big trillion cicada event. Especially since the last president all trillion of you remember was Thomas Jefferson. (And yes, some grim stuff has emerged about even him in recent years.) I must admit that I am relieved your convention is going to be over before the tension and vitriol of our next election cycle really gets going.

A last piece of catch-up: I bet some of you are wondering how the First Barbary War (which was still under way during your last convention) finally turned out. Well, that whole mess ended in 1805. Suffice it to say that the United States and Sweden are both still standing and solvent. But no one has really heard ‘Boo’ from ‘Tripolitania’ in the last couple of centuries. I don’t even think they have an entry in this year’s Eurovision song contest .

Enough about history. With ONE trillion of you about to rise from the warming ground, molt, sing, mate, lay eggs and then wrap everything up in just over a month, the tightness of your schedule means that there won’t be much room for improvising. But just for the heck of it, let me offer a few of the trends and fun things available to you this spring, in the unlikely event that you find yourselves with a little free time.

A few general thoughts:

• Resist the urge to go with too many streaming services. The amount of money you end up spending really adds up quickly. Instead, focus on the fact that you are here to find love and have sex. Believe me, that is going to end up being a lot more entertaining than binge watching glamorous twenty something people unraveling fictional conspiracies and firing guns at each other.

• Stay away from Crocs. I know they’re popular with the kids for some reason but in my opinion, they’re still as horrible looking as they ever were.

• Ignore all the chatter about AI. In my experience, it is a lot stupider than you thought it was going to be. And when I say you, I mean me.

• Here’s a happy coincidence: The “in” colors for spring this year really work with your whole stylistic palette.

• As far as other trending styles, I just read that someone named “Ms. Keenan” said that “If you’re not Bella Hadid, I don’t want to see you in capris,” I don’t know who this Ms. Keenan is but I advise you to avoid having anything to do with her under any circumstances. If you feel like wearing capris, go ahead and wear them.

• In other pants news, the skinny jean is still on track for 2024, (which is very good for me since I have no intention of buying a lot of new jeans.)

• The ‘underwear as outerwear’ thing is making another comeback but, just between us, I ignored the whole thing last time they were pushing it and never regretted my decision for a single second. I suggest you do the same.

You know what might be nice for you, though? ‘Flowy tops’ are really on trend for this spring. That might be a great look for you to try out during your dating cycle.

You would look so cute in this.

FOOD

• I’m sorry to report that real estate is not the only area where prices have gone nuts since 1803. Don’t get me started on restaurant prices. Since most of what they serve in American restaurants isn’t even good for you, congrats on how you guys prefer to suck fluids from trees and bushes. A liquid, plant-based diet and intermittent fasting are very on trend right now!

• Also, sobriety is having a big trendy moment. But since you guys only have a month to wrap up every single thing, if you need alcohol to help with the dating and mating vibe, I leave this decision up to you. It’s not likely to pose the same kind of risks for cicadas that it does for many addiction prone Americans. And to be honest, a good rehab program is going to require more time from you than your entire life cycle. So go ahead and live it up. Drink!

A Polite Warning:

• Try not to take it too personally when you are not welcomed everywhere you go. There is no good reason for this since you guys don’t bite and have no history of being destructive. The truth is that a lot of the states your group has selected for the convention have horrifying local politics and a very large number of angry people. Don’t waste part of your special month getting all depressed by listening to their local news.

• Try to understand that A TRILLION of you guys all showing up at the same time is kind of a lot. And unfortunately, there is currently a wide spread feeling of clannishness in a lot of the states you have chosen to visit with regard to immigrants and outsiders. In case you haven’t heard, the United States, probably still known as “the great melting pot” when you were here last, has become a country that can not stop freaking out about the 2 million immigrants who have crossed the border into our country. And that number is only is 0.0002% of the number of cicadas who have RSVP’d for your big gathering this spring. I’m sorry to puncture your celebratory mood, but forewarned is forearmed. Be sure to avoid any gatherings of people that are waving or even worse wearing flags.

• On the bright side, John R. Cooley, a biology professor at the University of Connecticut, said that his best advice for people living in the regions that all trillion of you are visiting is to “let the bugs be.” (And my heart felt apologies for his use of ‘the b word’ when referring to you. Ditto his ‘message of welcome’ which reads a lot like ‘damning with faint praise’.)

Note to the males:

Some people describe the buzzing noises you make to attract a mate as“ear-shattering” and “a crescendo of noise that as a chorus can be louder than a plane.” But believe me, these are the same people who bad mouth every new band that the young girls find exciting. Speaking as someone who attended a live Beatle concert at The Cow Palace in 1964, I know that nothing you ever do is as awful as those sound of 17, 130 screaming girls. And as far as I’m concerned, your songs are vastly preferable to the irritating loops of eighties hits that play endlessly at my dentist’s office and also at my Trader Joe’s. If I hear “Wooden Ships On The Water, Very Free and Easy” even one more time, I may hurt someone.

Instead, try to remember that the people who complain the loudest about your mating songs are almost certainly the ones who spend the most time wearing noise-cancelling headphones while playing Minecraft or Grand Theft Auto. So hopefully they will be so distracted with pretending to kill each other during your special month that you can proceed uninterrupted with your life cycle.

By the way, scientists say that the body of a male cicada resembles a wood instrument! So go ahead and sing your brains out, my guitar doppelgangering brothers.

Note to the females:

I read that while all that cacophonous male mating songs are trying to grab your attention, you female cicadas tend to “remain silent”. Please excuse me for seeming judgmental, and perhaps stepping into an area where I do not belong, but the women I know have all been thru a version of this “remaining silent” thing. And it really didn’t work out very well for most of us. Not in the long run or the short run. A few years ago there was something called “The Me Too movement.” I politely suggest you look that up. You guys seem overdue for a massive cultural correction..

Some final advice:

BE CAREFUL as you find your way during these days of the ‘anthropocene epoch’. You probably know to avoid aviaries since Cicadas are seen as “a valuable food source for birds.” But more frightening still: On three different continents, there are now people who love to eat insects. So check the menu carefully before frequenting any new ‘sustainable’ type restaurants. There are certain famous chefs and tribes of indigenous people that claim that “cicadas are mesmerizing to eat, their sweet, bitter flavor reminiscent of walnuts, chestnuts and adzuki beans, and their gently crunchy exterior giving way to creaminess, like a soft shell crab.” Sorry to be terrifying you like this. But you need to stay alert.

Don’t become someone’s dinner.

And then, in four to six weeks, it will all be over. And the tiny nymphs you guys produce will burrow down into the ground, find a root to sip on, and begin waiting to re-emerge.

With such a short time available for taking care of everything, I’ve decided not to bum you all out by telling you about climate change. It looks to me like the human race is not going to do anything much to keep the worst from happening, so definitely try to wring as much as you can out of this particular convention. The next time you guys convene, the temperature might be around 200 degrees

That said, I truly hope it all goes as well as possible for you. Hope to see some of you in 13 or 17 years!

PS: ON THE UNRELATED TOPIC OF DOG SHOWS

The annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is taking place at Madison Square Garden in New York City right now. Some years ago I made this alternate universe version of the show using the actual footage. And with that, allow me to present “The White Working Men in Suits Group.”