You Can't Spell Sex Without A.I.

In which I try to help AI Sex robots become more relatable.

In 1950, single people only made up about 22% of the population. These days the number is around 40%. That means more people than ever are actively looking to connect with another human being and share whatever emotional disorder they have that reminds them of love.
Yet with all the technology and social networking sites available to aid in the search for a partner, it’s still difficult for many humans to find a suitable mate. Why? Well, as even the briefest perusal of the mating habits of the rest of the animal kingdom will quickly reveal, human beings are by far the pickiest. First, there’s our search for “a soul mate”, a lofty idea with which no other species is familiar. And we’re not talking about just one soul mate, either. Many humans require a succession of them since a lot of us continue dating long after fertility has ended.

Meanwhile, all that is required for MOST species to engage in some type of mating is any kind of proximity to each other. Sure, for some birds it’s slightly more complicated. There are a few species in which the females make their selection based on a breed specific courting ritual that requires the males to perform a song and dance routine. Yet here again, we see another thing that almost never works for humans, most of whom have learned by the time they hit puberty that the odds of finding a suitable mate in a group of human males who sing and dance are incredibly low and worse still if these singing/dancing males refer to themselves as “a band.”

Now add to that the observable truth that human beings are among the laziest animals on planet earth. This means that a lot of us don’t want to have to keep bothering to find another person to date while we are still recovering from the last seriously disturbed person who convinced us that what we shared was actually love. Which brings me to the most plausible explanation I have been able to construct for why we are the only creatures on the planet who are obsessed with replicating ourselves in silicon and latex.  Of all the under-appreciated accomplishments to which our species can lay claim throughout our 200,000 years of our evolution, the anatomically approximate sex doll is certainly in the top tier. I would place it in the top 100, probably somewhere in between Dunkaroos and the Electoral College.

I first became aware of the existence of life sized sex dolls in the 1960’s when I started seeing a particular omnipresent if somewhat primitive inflatable doll being advertised in the backs of men’s magazines and in the windows of adult book stores. Made out of the kind of vinyl often used to make swimming pool toys, these captivating mid-twentieth century bratwurst-limbed inflatables, average price about $20.00, set the 3D masterbatory standard for over 30 years.

For anyone with a fetish for crossed-eyed, double-chinned ladies with their faces frozen into an expression commonly associated with projectile vomiting, these dolls were PERFECTION.

There was also a less popular male version of the doll. We can only speculate on the reasons. Perhaps its at least partially because the female has a drawing of sexual organs between her legs, yet her gentleman friend has…well, nothing at all. And not just a simple nothing. He really has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. This mysterious artistic decision has lead me to believe that, judging by his over-all design, he may have been meant to appeal to members of the population who would one day have inexplicably intimate feelings about the Super Mario Bros

Then along came the 1990’s and the age of the internet was upon us. Technology took a giant leap forward into commerce. And as with all leaps forward in commerce, the erotic fantasy life of the human was an early and frequent beneficiary. (And by ‘the human’, I mean mostly the human male since I continue to see no easy way that any humans who identify as female can make any use at all of these tarted up swimming pool toys except as a very risky choice for a throw pillow. But I digress.)

Suddenly, for a mere three to five thousand dollars more, the love starved single ‘person’ could take home a “life-like” ‘Real Doll’; a faux companion made of industrial waste who was able to combine the sensuous looks of a Playboy Playmate with the personality of a “My Pillow”. Win/win!!

What a God-send this technological advancement was for that single someone with a large amount of disposable cash who harbored fantasies about lugging around a seductive-looking piece of dead weight but was worried that they might not be quite ready to take the plunge into a career of kidnapping or serial killing. And hygienically speaking, some of these replicants were even able to improve on real life itself, since they were sometimes sold complete with several interchangeable wash-and-wear mouths. How many datables on Tinder or Bumble can say the same?

And thus, as a brand new century was dawning, a certain kind of love starved single found themselves able to order a date by choosing from a menu of body part options and sizes. Finally a companion made ‘your way’, just like at Burger King! And herein lies the irony. Because no matter what exaggerated body part a random human being may claim they require in a long term partner, studies show that what most of us are looking for is actually someone like ourselves.  And that is precisely the area in which replicant partners have always fallen short. Because trying to bond with even even a customized doppelganger requires the ability to have feelings for someone who never changes their facial expressions. Yes, yes…I know you may have experienced that among the living. But on the plus side, these moldable latex replicants will never announce that they are feeling dead inside and force you to listen to Morrisey.

This brings us to the most current version of the ever-shifting sex doll paradigm. Perhaps you have already seen footage of the terrifyingly realistic looking 3 D animated (usually female) AI robots that are in the process of being created. The scientists/inventors behind them claim that the plan is to make them available to serve a multitude of purposes, from educational to…to…I don’t know what they are pretending the uses for them will be. Let’s be honest. We all know that the end game is to create more life-like companionable non-human sex partners for those wealthy but lonely people who have retired to a pleasant little time-share in Dante’s Inferno.

Let’s take a look at one of them. This one is called “Sofia”.

Obviously, Sofia is incredibly realistic, though she may skew a little bit glassy-eyed for some. For others she may be offering just the right amount of dazed affect to remind us of someone we loved who recently recovered from an addiction or a concussion. Yet upon closer analysis, it becomes obvious that Sofia is missing something very important: quirky imperfections. Because let’s face it; there are zero people who behave like Sofia, not even behind the counter at Starbucks. And the reason is this: it is not mankind’s perfection that causes people to bond with each other. It is our endearing IMPERFECTIONS. And as long as the AI designers continue to ignore the appeal of this classical human ingredient, their AI robots will be regarded as mechanical or “other.”

All this has been a set up for why I now present, (below), seven humanoid robots I found on the internet for whom I have provided new more relatable personalities. I have done this because I believe this is the key ingredient that most AI lack, especially in these formative days as we watch them try to push their way into absolutely everything, including friendship and sex. So in the interest of progress, I have attempted to humanize them further by making them more like the types of people we might really run in to on actual dates. I believe that this will make bonding with them easier. And failing that, it will allow them to at least provide a safe harmless outlet for absorbing your rage while never resorting to lectures about seeing a therapist.

As a surprise bonus, below is my other version of ‘The Squeamish Sex Robot’. When I was assembling the reel above, I had trouble deciding which vocal track to use on her. So I decided to include both as a way to encourage the AI designers to make the robots they are planning to sell available with a multitude of grating pre-recorded messages. Here, then, is “The Squeamish Sex Robot, version 2.0.

And with that we move boldly forward into a brighter tomorrow.