Distress plus shallow analysis=humor
It CAN work for YOU!
This is such an unnerving time politically that I decided rather than zeroing in on the obvious and oft reported things that are making us all freak, I’m going to try and offer a temporary solution about how to apply the soothing salve of humorous perspective to the bubbling cauldron of terrifying news developments that are blistering your battered soul. That is why I am calling this ‘essay’
The Healing Powers of Humor
If you see me standing quietly somewhere, looking ill at ease and wearing no facial expression at all, and you wonder what I am thinking, your first guess might be that I am lost in some kind of world weary ennui. Occasionally that is the case. But most of the time, I’m probably just sorting through the details of whatever is directly in front of me, trying to figure out if there is any kind of a joke contained there.
Why am I doing this? Good question. Or as good as any of the questions in this piece are going to be.
I guess a lifetime of finding most things in life first unsettling and then later funny created this behavior. And like it or not, it is now so fully integrated into my autonomic nervous system that even when I meditate, I find myself scanning my serenity like a drone, rooting around in it to see if there are any jokes embedded in the calm. ‘What else is going on in this calm besides calm?’ my brain asks as soon as I am aware of any calm, ‘If I like calm so much, then why am I deconstructing it looking for funny stuff?’
It has occurred to me that this habit may be incompatible with achieving peace of mind. But I persist anyway because it flows directly from Markoe’s Second Axiom which tells us that the three basic drives of what many of us call “the human being.” are Food, Shelter, and Compensatory Behavior Based on Insecurity. (And the reasoning behind that is, of course, Markoe’s First Axiom: All human beings are a lot more neurotic than you ever expected them to be.)
Full Disclosure: Every shrink I have ever talked to eventually asked me why I was laughing while I recalled the details of an incident that upset me. There are mental health professionals who claim what I’m about to recommend is evidence of a failure to be fully immersed in the reality of life. But if reorganizing upsetting things into comedy is a disability, it is definitely one that has a lot of human history. It goes back at least to 425BC and the plays of Aristophanes. (which I never found particularly funny. But then again, the ancient Greeks were definitely not my crowd. Perhaps because, as sainted expert on everything, Aristotle, proudly said back then “The female is a female by virtue of a certain natural defectiveness.” So, thanks Aristotle. And my apologies to the aristos for my bothersome hubris, excellency.)
Meanwhile, organizing horror into comedy seems to come with the equipment of being human. Take a look at this book cover I found online full of ‘jokes from World War Two.’ Not, on the face of it, an obvious source of hilarity. And yet compiled here is not just one or two jokes but an entire BAG full.
So far, in recorded history, humans are the only animal who contemplates and reorganizes the elements of their own pain into another form. Sometimes it’s a more intellectually abstract form. We commonly call that form ‘art’. A perfect example is this extremely famous painting, created by German Expressionist Edward Munch in 1892. Titled “The Scream”, the intention of the artist in creating this image was to share the pain of his panic attacks.
Enough said. Or was it? By the 21st century, some 80 years after his death, surviving humans figured out how to take Munch’s frightening panic attack and dilute his painful statement further by transforming it into pointless (but affordable!) souvenir merch that everyone could buy (or sell) on Etsy!
And in this way, the isosceles triangle of pain-into-art-into-merch completes its inevitably appointed rounds. Voila!
ANYWAY, what I am saying is that somehow, even the most commercially successful painting ever created about misery, madness and the inability to cope was, in the space of 125 years, reduced to inappropriate, very bankable comedy merch. And that is why today I am going to try to teach you how to excavate the humor you have buried in your very own archeological pit of discomfort, so you too can profit from it, maybe.
That’s my premise.
(And I intend to move forward with it despite the fact that you haven’t given me the slightest indication that this is something you would like to learn. But rest assured that I’m well aware of your disinterest and I will definitely use it later on, to make fun of you. Think of it it this way: at least I’m not dragging you into another rage and terror filled screed about Project 2025 and Hannibal Lecter.) (Or not yet, anyway.)
STEP 1: Embrace feeling awful because feeling awful means comedy!
We begin our so-called “journey”(because isn’t everything a journey now?) by examining a distressing but hypothetical situation from which we will excavate some humor.
What will we use as our area of discontent? Will it be a health problem? An equipment malfunction? An unexpected bill? An unpleasant human odor? The snarling quagmire of un-moving traffic? An abrasive co-worker? A cheating spouse? A disappointing restaurant? The dissolution of the world’s largest successful democracy into the playground of a petty tyrant? The possibilities are, as always, literally endless. .
Step Number Two: Pick your irritant.
For step 2, let’s practice by analyzing the following hypothetical but heartbreaking scenario: The love of your life walks in to whatever room you are in and says “My love for you is dead. I’m done. Its time for me to move on.”
What could possibly be less funny on the face of it than that? (Except, of course, everything about the possible end of our democracy, followed by a terrifying descent into mindless authoritarianism lead by one of the stupidest, most narcissistic, misogynistic, racist, immoral, disreputable capitalists exhibiting a complete absence of empathy and morals ever to command a very big audience in this country during our lifetimes. )
Well, the old you would immediately begin to panic as your mind begins racing through a rapid montage of melancholy scenes: you alone and bereft, seated in an uncomfortable chair, staring at a dirty floor in an airless room full of long shadows.Everything seems to be shot in black and white. A loveless and joyless future unfolds into infinity before you.
As you are sinking into the bleak details of this situation, you begin to wonder: Will I ever love again? ‘The old you’ answers, “NO. No you will NOT. Who would want you? You are riven with flaws. And yes, I said riven. Get over it. You didn’t even bother to sweep the floor or open the windows in this self-pitying room montage you pulled us all into.”
“Don’t leave!” ‘the old you’ wants to cry out as the lover who is betraying you gets closer and closer to the door. But you hesitate because you are aware that displaying any emotional vulnerability right now will only gain you pity and scorn. So you suck up your anguish. Uncontrollable tears roll down your face and mix with coursing beads of sweat which immediately remind you that in addition to being devastated, it is 115 degrees outside due to Climate Change. (And unfortunately this reminds you of how your numbingly deranged country’s horrifying descent into an unchecked authoritarian government run by a moron who has immunity has proclaimed Climate Change a fraud and is going to refuse to join any international effort to try and curtail it. Go try and find a gleefully smiling Bag O’ fun in THAT!)'
But wait….what is that unfamiliar but ear-splitting staccato car alarm sound going off in your ears? Why, it is your brand new built-in human being joke alarm! It is reminding you that it’s time to transform your newly organized personal complaint list into a cutting edge joke! What a great addition this will be to all your other neurotic symptoms!
STEP 3: Rearrange your observations into a joke!
Time to stop crying, get focused and face the truth. Begin by reminding yourself that most human beings are an incredible pain in the ass. That’s just ONE of the reasons you weren’t all that happy in that damned relationship! If you need more evidence, start by re-reading all those pages full of capitalized rage blasts you accumulated in your whiny self absorbed diary.
See? I knew you had that secret diary. And I don’t even KNOW anything about you!
Now take a deep breath and begin to create a logical strategy of retaliation. (But kinder than the one that the new vengeful authoritarian monarch is planning to use against what was once known as ‘the free press’) (But first, before we go any further, pick up your broom and sweep your damn floor. That abandonment montage you came up with in step 2 was pathetic enough without the floor looking so embarrassingly dirty.)
As you sweep, begin to assign symbolic meanings to the bread crumbs and dog hair clumps as the accumulate in your dustpan. For example, how about if the nuggets of smashed dog kibble represent your sex life? Symbolically speaking, now you can see for yourself that your sex life in that relationship obviously sucked. And there is no better way to kick a betraying, departing lover directly in the insecurity than to tell them they were bad at sex. It really does not matter whether or not that was really the case. (Because does truth even matter any more? The simple minded, vengeful leader of your new authoritarian government certainly doesn’t think so. He single handedly changed the entire profile of the idea of public lying.) So hit that double-crossing S.O.B. squarely in the ego with a carefully worded insult like “Well, best of luck to you and whatever foolhardy person you wind up with next. Fingers crossed there is an app that can introduce you to a group of acceptably attractive desperate people who would actually LIKE the idea of never ever having an orgasm!” (Author’s Note: We are still talking about the betraying lover in this sentence. Not the simple minded authoritarian who, by the way, is also so bad at sex that he is actually a convicted rapist.)
See how much less pathetic this heartbreak scenario is turning out than if you just said “Please don’t leave me!” ?
STEP 4: Begin to think outside ‘the box’.
Time to ‘blue-sky’ some additional back up ideas.
For instance, why not throw yourself in front of the door as your suitcase-carrying former lover is taking their leave and begin to repeatedly shout, in an endless loop, the lyrics to Taylor Swift’s “We are never ever ever getting back together” Be sure and yell so loud that it inspires a neighbor to show up on your porch with his phone and start shooting a video. And once he posts it, that video will definitely go viral! What did I tell you? Win/win!!
Or how about just annoying your brand new ex by taking the words they last spoke to you literally . They said “My love for you is dead. I’m done...” so now, you repeat those words, sarcastically, hurling them back like they are a poorly aimed boomerang, “You’re DONE?” you say, “What are you? A steak?”
Okay, not really that FUNNY per se. But does a person who is leaving you deserve anything funnier? No. They do not.
Summing up, let’s now assess what we have done: By grabbing the reins and stockpiling various cringeworthy ways to embarrass the betrayer of your affections, we were able to follow in the footsteps of Wile E Coyote, a guy who could paint a tunnel on the side of a mountain, and then run through it and escape out the other side. (Okay, it wasn’t actually Wile E. who did the running thru his fantastic trompe l’oeil mountain-tunnel. It was his enemy, Beep Beep The Roadrunner. But YOU have the option of being smarter! YOU will use your phenomenal painting skills to your own advantage.)
So pat yourself on the back and let the furious expression on the face of your ex confirm that you have been effective. Congratulations. You have passed your discomfort along to everyone present. YOU have just walked thru a tunnel that YOU painted on the side of a mountain and it will be YOU who will come out the other side!
STEP 5: Let’s practice on a second theoretical scenario.
For a second scenario, let’s try this one: The country you grew up in, which is known as the most powerful democracy in the world, is only half full of people who can think critically enough to appreciate what they have. The other half appears to be so racist, and/or entertained by stories about sharks and cannibals, that it is perfectly happy to allow a particularly stupid former television star/casino owner/meat salesman/convicted rapist who was recently found guilty of a very long list of felonies to propose getting rid of the constitution and reformatting the entire government as a monarchy, making him the king. He doesn’t particularly like the Dept. of Education or the idea of electric vehicles or climate change. So he will get rid of them. Because why not? Does he think women should have control of their own bodies? Well not if he is within ‘grabbing’ distance. Really, don’t make me keep enumerating the endless litny of his nightmarish flaws. I’m depressed enough as it is. If you are still reading, you know exactly what they are.
Now try to abstract all of that into a series of amusing hyperboles that lead to a metaphor filled yet problem solving joke in which the smart/moral people somehow triumph and have the last word.
I will wait here, drumming my fingers on the table, while you come up with an amusing answer.
Sure, I know what one. But I’m not doing your work for you because so far the main one I keep coming up with is that we both need to make sure this the year that we get out and do some real world political campaigning.
Meanwhile, at least we summarily made mince meat out of your damn ex. That’s not nothing.
Anyway, sorry to go on and on, but I love this piece beyond reason. Very appropriate, right? Everything is so beyond reason these days.
Well, now I'm angry. How dare you have access to my private therapy sessions? And I quote: "Every shrink I have ever talked to eventually asked me why I was laughing while I recalled the details of an incident that upset me." You know full well the answer. Which is, "Come on, it's objectively hilarious in spite of the fact that it happened to me. Don't I get credit for seeing that and being amused by my own ridiculousness? Would you rather I feel bad?" My defense mechanisms are all I have, please do not puncture them.