Foresee the Future with The Secret Language of Dog Toys

Finally! A somewhat reliable way to see what is going on!

In times of great tension, when things are at their bleakest, it is not uncommon for humans to try to predict the future. There are an assortment of methods that claim the ability to do this. In my experience, all have about the same level of accuracy (low.) In my blinkered youth, I tried them all. For example, runes offer symbols which tend to be open ended enough to allow a person to personalize them into saying something productive.

These are runes.

The way the Tarot works is the seeker blindly selects a specific number of cards from a freshly shuffled deck and a “reader” interprets them as a map of the future. Most of the cards contain enough meanings to put a reasonably good spin on things. Especially “The Hierophant”…because who even knows what that is?

The card that symbolizes death can also mean REBIRTH! Ditto The Fool. Is he blind, an idiot? Or the only one who REALLY KNOWS WHATS UP? Etc.

But neither of these ever impressed me with their accuracy. That is why I was excited when I realized that my dog Wally had inadvertently stumbled into A BRAND NEW PATH TO FORESEEING THE FUTURE. How considerate of him to do so as we find ourselves navigating yet another landscape of terrifying drama. So I thought now would be a good moment to share this new method of prophecy.

First a little background.

Wally is the rare dog who actually takes very good care of his toys. Unlike every other dog I have known, Wally doesn’t bother immediately gutting each of them as soon as he receives them. Thus so many of them have now accumulated that we pile them onto a chair to prevent the house from being wall-to-wall carpeted with them.

Wally’s chair.

Wally is also the kind of dog who feels that every time he approaches you, he would be remiss if he didn’t bring along a toy with him as an offering. I enjoy this behavior but I was never sure if it was transactional or he is he just gilding the lily of an otherwise pro-forma doggy greeting with a little fancy footwork

Wally with his associate, Super Hedgehog.

At least, these were my thoughts before it occurred to me that his selection process reflected an an actual plan. So I began to take notes. I wrote down which toy he brought on which occasion and then beside it, I recorded the events of that day. Then I began to organize this information into the multi-layered method of foreseeing the future that I am about to reveal. Which is why I am now very proud to present: The Squeaky Toy Prophecy.

Each card identifies and explains what you can expect, that day, once you are in receipt of a particular toy, selected for you by Wally from the chair.

As they always say, when they say things like this, “Your mileage may vary.” But I am pretty sure this newly minted method of seeing what is to come is at least as accurate as any of the others.