Important Advice for Couples: Learn to Fight Fairly

Very important, as you might imagine.

I have been in a hetero-normative relationship with one (1) cis man for 25 years, four of them legally married. As you may know, the odds of any one person surviving in a couple that consists of only ONE additional person are so enormous that I can not imagine why anyone ever bothered inventing polyamory since the odds of surviving with TWO other people (sometimes known as a throuple) must be so small as to be un-detectable by even the most expensive Aberration-Corrected Transmission Electron Microscope, with a spatial resolution of less than the diameter of a single hydrogen atom. ( This is another example of the kind of breathtaking knowledge I bring to every otherwise completely ludicrous piece I post here on Substack.)

Not to boast but since my hetero-normative cis male relationship stats now span more than half a century, I believe I have legally earned the credentials that make me “a registered expert.” And as you know by now, I am not one to throw around the term“a registered expert” lightly.

My point is that I know more than most about the many and varied challenges one faces in trying to maintain a relationship with a hetero-normative cis male human. And no, it is not always a picnic. (In fact, the very idea of a picnic with a hetero-normative cis male human opens the door to such a complex set of unpleasant arguments and unsolvable problems that I am making a note to myself to address that entire topic some other time.)

What I am trying to say here is that if managing and maintaining a long term hetero-normative cis relationship is among your short or long term life goals, there are subtle but deliberate behavioral adjustments that you are going to have to make. And chief among them is acquiring the skills to fight effectively, and with fairness. Because it is a given that arguments and conflicts within a hetero-normative cis human relationship are going to arise and then quickly flow toward you, not unlike an un-dammed coarsing river. And when they do, it will be up to you (obviously the sane one in the relationship) to keep that goddam river coarsing. What do I mean by this? Well, I am not sure. That is what we are going to find out by looking at the content I come up with for this premise.

Let’s get ready. I will give you a few minutes to prepare a soothing beverage

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Author’s Note: in this piece, I have targeted hetero-normative couples only because I have always secretly hoped that gay couples are in some way more sensible. Though it has come to my attention that because gay couples are entirely comprised of humans, this may not be the case. Therefore many of the following advisable points may apply to them as well..

The DOs and DON’Ts of Fair Relationship Fighting.

1. LEARN TO READ BODY LANGUAGE

It is not uncommon, in the midst of a contentious argument, for one partner to conclude that the quickest route to a mutually satisfying outcome might be strangulation. In the following photo, we see just such a young woman. Frustration has built up from trying to make a point to someone who is not listening so she has decided to throw 100% of her anger based energy into lunging at the throat of her much larger partner, as well as his jugular vein, in hopes of cutting off his air supply.

IS THIS A GOOD IDEA? Well, it is one way to approach the problem. But it is not the only way or even the best way. Had she simply paused for a few brief moments before attacking, she might have noticed that her partner was directing a variety of subtle non-verbal facial signals to her, using only the muscles in his face! And had she taken the time to study body language, she would have understood tbat her partner’s face is clearly saying to her “I would prefer that you NOT strangle me.”

Because she did not take the time to decode these signals, her’s will be a pyrrhic victory at best. History tells us that no good can come of choosing strangulation as a solution to an argument. (with the possible exception of a spectacular cocktail party anecdote the guests will not soon forget.)

2. INSTEAD, CONSIDER THE IDEA OF LISTENING WHILE YOUR PARTNER IS SPEAKING!

Below we see a couple who not only do NOT understand body language, but just as importantly, ARE NOT LISTENING to each other at all. As you can see in the following photos she is arguing for “ONE!” and further reinforcing her point by holding up ONE finger.

Meanwhile, because he has tuned her out, he is replying “No, YOU listen to ME. THE NUMBER I INSIST UPON IS ONE!”

My theory concerning the origin of this problem is that people who have been raised by a difficult mother in the early stages of life learned that an effective way to pursue a life of peace is to simply tune out any woman’s voice wherever and whenever it occurs. In the case of this contentious couple, because the male half of the couple may never have heard so much as a single word that the female half of the couple has spoken to him, he has absolutely no idea that the entire fight is unnecessary because they are in agreement.

Unfortunately now it’s too late for apologies. For all we know, one of them is dead.

3. AT LEAST LEARN TO PRETEND YOU’RE LISTENING

To maintain a truly happy relationship, one or preferably both partners have to at least pretend to listen when their partner is talking.

Below we see two people who are both pretending to listen. Their faces are engaged with what they each are hoping reads as “rapt expressions of deep fascination and affection for each other”.

Notice how both have carefully directed their eye line toward the partner who is sitting before them. This almost guarantees that both will leave the conversation feeling “heard.” And this will be the case, whether or not their partner has actually listened to so much as a single a word that they have spoken.

Thanks to this ‘pseudo listening’, both members of the couple find themselves happily enmeshed in what the German Gestalt therapists referred to as ‘Zusammentreffen der Köpfeings” But because that first German word is so long and complicated, it is more commonly known in this country as “a meeting of the minds.” This solution reminds so many poorly matched couples of “love” that they agree to move forward into marriage and/or pregnancy, thus allowing the omnipresent cycle of human family dramas to continue supporting the psychologist/social worker/ marriage counselor industrial complex which generates about $37.2 billion in revenue annually. And in this way, they are all doing their part to hold our shaky American economy together.

3. WHEN ARGUING, BEWARE MONKEY MOUTH.

Because not every argument can be averted, there are signs to look for that indicate that the emotional temperature of the conflict has crossed into a dangerous level of heat. Scientific studies that I am going to write and have published in distinguished medical journals have proven that when “Monkey Mouth” is sighted during any argument, that argument is doomed to remain unresolved. The message being sent, underlined by the showing of the teeth, is that the Monkey Mouther is unwilling to compromise.

It is a bad enough sign if one member of the argument is exhibiting Monkey Mouth. But when both members of the argumentative couple (as seen below) are using it, an unfortunate stand off has been reached because by now neither participant has the faintest idea what the other one is saying.

Above, we see the female arguer thrusting both of her hands upward. This is a gesture that is meant to inform her opponent that any sane person can see that her side of the argument is the only sensible side. Unfortunately by doing this, she has caused her male opponent to counter-attack using what is often referred to in the original terminology of German Gestalt Psychology as Fingerzeig (Finger Pointing) He is letting her know that he no longer has any interest in hearing a single thing about her side of the argument. He knows as much as he wants to know. Game over.

4. BODY LANGUAGE TO AVOID DURING AN ARGUMENT.

A. DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR EARS.

The male identified member of this disagreeable couple is making it a lot more obvious than is necessary to his partner that he does not care even the tiniest bit what she is saying.

B. AVOID THE “I JUST CAN’T WITH THIS” TRAP.

These photos both contain examples of a heter-normative cis male performing two entirely different versions of “I CAN’T WITH THIS.”).

The physical gestures and facial expressions seen on the man in the above examples are intended to convey to his partner that yes, he has HEARD what she is expressing but is rejecting her claim that only her side of the argument is based in logic. In both instances the female opponent has no choice but to resort to what is known as“Hands Up”….a gesture of futility that also indicates a certain amount of exhausted retreat. However what the woman in the photo on the right has no way of knowing is that the posture of her partner at this point is actually telling her that the reason he stopped listening many hours ago is because he can not stop thinking about the big win he almost had last night in a round of “Mortal Combat: Modern Warfare.” He almost kicked SERIOUS BUTT. And if she would just quiet down a little, he would be able to get back to playing this game.

5a. “HIDING”NOT RECOMMENDED

This alarmingly common-place battle tactic tends to be more popular with men than women. Interestingly, the “hiding” man in the photos below has a better than average reason for selecting this particular strategy. As the photos plainly show, he appears to be maintaining two entirely different relationships in two entirely different households at the same time. He also appears to be wearing the same clothes during both fights. He didn’t even bother to change his shirt as he continued along his daily journey of driving two entirely different women in two different parts of town completely crazy.

6. AVOID THEATRICAL DRAMATIZATIONS OF REMORSE

Finally, below we see a relationship that has come apart because BOTH participants have agreed to try and settle their differences through a theatrical re-enactment of a cliched metaphor. Sadly, this flawed approach is increasingly common in the age of Instagram because it can somehow pass for “content”.

It’s bad enough that their relationship is at a low point. But on top of that, both members of this couple took the time to dress alike, and make sure their hair color matched. Then they both agreed to a photo in which they are each holding an equal portion of a large red heart that has been carefully scissored down the center. And now, try as they might, apparently neither one has any idea how to reassemble this allegorical heart shaped puzzle that they themselves constructed even though it is only broken in to TWO carefully manicured pieces,.

When BOTH members of a couple willfully exhibit this level of clue-lessness, it is actually a good sign that they are breaking up. They should probably stay away from each other before they wind up creating a confusing and dysfunctional childhood that a couple of children will be complaining about for the rest of their lives.

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That is all we have time for today. So today’s big takeaway is this:

When an argument arises, REMEMBER to show your partner respect by AT LEAST PRETENDING TO LISTEN!