The Secret Language of Fashion Models

Decoding the Faces That Models are Making.

I buy most of my clothes on-line. Then I return most of those clothes, sometimes the same day, because when I look in the mirror, what I see does not look at all like what I was expecting based on the example of the model who wore them in the photograph.

This has happened to me many, many, many, many times. My wardrobe judgments when buying on-line have usually proven to be a false read. And yet this flawed shopping routine of mine continues, unabated. Why do I do this? Why don’t I stop?

Well, half of the reason I make the purchase is that I somehow made a connection to the model in the photograph. Though I look nothing at all like these women, I still imagine that the clothes they are wearing are going to look something like that when they are on me. I am especially susceptible to models with bangs because I, too, have bangs. My logic makes no sense. Yet, I do not stop.

In the interest of trying to understand more about the information I am improperly processing, before I get out my credit card, I have put a lot of time into studying the expressions on the the faces of the models wearing the blazers, blouses and various styles of pants that I can’t resist. Are their oblique and scowling faces trying to tell me something about the clothes? Maybe if I could figure out the language they are speaking, I would make fewer purchasing mistakes. What oh what are the faces the models are making trying to tell me about the clothes that they are wearing?

I believe I now have the answers.

We begin with this woman in the pale pink shawl/cape/tunic covered in synthetic filament. She was the easiest one for me to decipher because she is wearing an expression I recognize well. It is the face of my mother doing her patented “How DARE you?” glare. Some days, her face is telling us, she can control her rage. But there are many days where your disrespectful attitude has simply pushed her too far. And on those acrimonious days, she enjoys the feeling of confidence that comes from knowing she looks her best all wrapped up in her favorite pastel-colored faux-hair serape. The head to toe cyclonic movement that she can generate by quaking with anger is just enough to set each of the millions of threads in to a separate spin. Finally a garment that is both a fashion statement and a whirling smock of terror.

Hooray! At last there is a sport coat for someone who knows she is superior and is NOT afraid to tell the world! This stylish hunter green, hound’s tooth blazer is an absolute must-have for those days when the never ending stream of humanity refuses to keep its distance. Look at them! They barely seem to acknowledge the breath-taking nature of your existence, leaving you with no choice but to wonder where they got the idea that they will ever be able to measure up? Are they so numb that they can’t experience shame for having fallen so short of your expectations? What is there for you to do but sigh and continue to set an example that encourages them to at least try to be more appealing before you are forced to encounter them again.

Let us now consider the example of a man with facial hair so carefully groomed it takes him hours each morning to tear himself away from the bathroom mirror. Perhaps that man is YOU! But on this day, you decide what you need to show off your handsome face to it’s best advantage is a simple but perfectly ironed, blazing white shirt. You will wear it only partially buttoned, the better to expose the tan on your sassy masculine cleavage. Everything is going well. Everyone seems impressed with all your deliberate stylistic choices. Until uh oh! Is it possible that you forgot to put sunscreen on the back of your neck? Was this sunburn you feel caused by neglect or because you didn’t want that perfectly white starched collar to get sunscreen spots? But even if your neck problems turn out to be cervical disk degeneration, this perfect white shirt has exactly what you need to convey your urgent message to everyone you meet that you have no time for their silliness. Nothing they have to say is of any interest to you. If there is any justice in this ridiculous world, whoever is nearest to you will shut up and offer condolences. After which they will selflessly attempt to relieve you of many things on your to-do list that you would just as soon not do.

Who among us does not feel, from time to time, that they are so perceptive, so all-knowing, and all-seeing, that it is as though they have a third eye? And yet, even with this extra optical power, they are still so sensitive that they are acutely aware how there is nothing of interest at hand that can lift their spirits. Where oh where can they find an appropriate outfit to show the world that despite their incredible insights, they still must rise from bed each morning to face an empty life. For those who contain multitudes yet fear that nothing really matters, its Gucci to the rescue with pastel pink pleated bows and long scratchy fingerlets of crystal that drop down into your cleavage. Lethargy and indifference have no choice but to take a back seat when the wearer of this ensemble strides into your inadequate event, only to leave early..

Did I just hear a whoosh that sounded like an exhale? The whole room turns to have a look at the source of that loud, exasperated sigh. When they see her, they all quietly gasp as they behold a charismatic woman, dressed in a symphony of earth tones. She is all aglow in rich browns and tans and ambers but it is the expression on her face that draws the most attention. It says “I can not believe the ridiculous shit you are putting me through.” She is so fed up with your ceaseless demands, and callow need for attention that she can not even muster the strength she needs to put her arms through the sleeves of her perfectly matched jacket. You have pushed her to her limits. Exhausted but not defeated, she invites you to watch as she still manages to rise and float above the fog of your puerile expectations. As it turns out, the joke is on you. She has found the perfect outfit to allow her utter contempt to make her look even more ravishing

The answer is “A black jacket, black pants and silver bangle accessories.” The question is “What do I wear on days when I must come face to face with people and situations that disgust me?” Finally, a way to look your best when even a totally empty theater, unsullied by a bothersome performance, provides you with no relief.

The classic Beatle song tells the tale: “Here I stand, head in hand. Turn my face to the wall. If she’s gone I can’t go on feeling two foot small. ” But even as you sing along, you are forced to admit that you have secretly been wondering “When it is my time to hide my love away, what will I wear?”. And then it occurs to you: nothing goes better with the deep melancholy and pointless dejection inherent in hiding your love away than an oversize glen plaid top coat, a contrasting colored striped oxford shirt with a perfectly fitted collar and a colossal unwieldy silver medallion the size and shape of an omelet.. All who are near enough to witness this breath-taking spectacle will be so taken with your bloodless visage and various sartorial choices that they’ll never guess you might also be doing some love hiding at the same time. So gather round, all you clowns, let me hear you say.” HEY! Go hide that other head away.”

There are days when you are so irritable, you know you must get out of here. Now. The feeling of urgency leaves you no time to waste on shirts and pants, let alone pocket squares and collar stays. All you need is some nicely fitted, patterned briefs and a few things hanging from your neck that look like they might just have a function. Then simply throw on your strappy sandals, grab your leather bag and shout “Out of my way, boring domestic partners. Can’t you see I am dressed in an outfit that goes perfectly with the impatience I’m feeling? I’m referring to the kind of agitation that forces me to kick holes in walls and hurl glass ware and ceramics to the floor. So let me out of here, people. Do not block my path. And don’t ask for an explanation. I don’t need one.”

Oh no! It has arrived! The day you have planned a visit with family and now it is too late to get out of it. What will you wear to provide the perfect mise-en-scene for showing off your face in the most attractive way, while at the same time you are staring intently, nodding occasionally and pretending to pay attention to the relentless yammering of these unappealing people who share your DNA? This beautiful multi-colored silk shirt, full of carefully rendered complex patterns, is the ideal choice for looking your absolute best while you somehow tolerate these mandatory visits. So let them all go on and on with whatever foolishness they are spouting. They can not fail to sense that you paid a lot for this shirt. And that is what matters.

Sometimes even the most minimal facial expressions require too much energy. Who doesn’t have completely vacant days? And on these days when you are fully dissociating, it’s important to find just the right thing to wear. But your problem is solved easily, every single time, just by pulling on this black v-neck sweater with its embroidered floral pattern. It is easily accessorized with large hoop earrings and gold statement jewelry! Then Voila! You have what you needed to handle all the heavy lifting of people expecting empathy while you are mentally checked out. “Today I am totally blank“ your look says, “But although I am feeling brain dead, I still show respect for your personhood by going to the trouble of offering other things for you to look at besides my eyes. Now please do your part by being entertaining. Or else just leave me alone..”

Spring break is just around the corner because isn’t it always? Yes! It is! You have barely squeaked past the last one and there it is again. Another spring break! But by now you know the drill: you will need to wear something light,and flimsy, like the very content and essence of spring break itself. And toward that end, how about this translucent off-white blouse which says “My clothes may be transparent. But do not think for even a minute that I can not see right thru all your bullshit. Now get out of my line of vision. I have mace. ”

What if you are someone who feels uncomfortable wherever you go? What if you have reason to be skeptical of everyone’s intentions? What is the proper wardrobe choice to make so others sense your discomfort and offer you solace or even pity? Well, how about this perfect mesh tee that shows off your beautiful skin while also letting the world see straight through to the intense hatred that burns in your core?

Sometimes it can be tricky to find the right outfit that shows that you’re a person who has always wanted to join the military because you like the uniforms. But no, you have never enlisted because you don’t really like the day to day fighting and the marching and the saluting and whatever else these militia folks do. Mess halls? Basic Training? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Now at last a uniform that makes sense for you! A uniform that says “If Alvin Ailey had an army, I’d be a goddam captain. Yes, I am suiteed up for battle but no need to go for your gun. I’m not even wearing long pants and these boots have four inch heels! Lets go drink absinthe!”

I hope this has been helpful. By the way, if you want to thank me by buying me any of these wardrobe items, I’m a medium in some brands and a large in others.