Women Who Write While Lying on their Stomachs

BREAKING NEWS: I'm a writer and I'm pretty sure this is not actually possible.

This is not the piece I was planning to post today. I have a whole bunch of comics I thought I would post next. But as we bravely face down another Fourth of July, patriotism demands that I weigh in on this thorny subject and get it off my chest.

Let me start with the obvious: I am speaking as someone who writes pretty much every day and changes positions often when I write. I carry my lap top with me from room to room where I sometimes can be found at desks and at tables. Other times I sit on sofas, in comfortable chairs and on beds. And yet I have never written a single word while lying face down on my stomach.

In the interest of full disclosure, I believe I tried it once. In fact, I may even have tried it twice, to be sure I wasn’t overlooking something. But I quickly abandoned the idea because there are so many easier and more comfortable ways to get no writing done.

It quickly became apparent, during these experiments, that I could probably find a way to eke out a word or two even while lying on my stomach. But I regret to inform everyone, including the photographers of the world who help to perpetrate this popular misrepresentation, that lying-on-your-stomach is a terrible, if not the worst, position for writing.

Yet through out my life time I have continued to observe dozens and dozens of photos published in every type of media showing women attempting to write lying flat on their stomachs, balanced on their elbows. I see these images in ads and in stock photos. There they are in movies and on television. This brings us to the iconic image below, which I would be happy to blame for the whole misunderstanding except I believe I saw photos of women attempting this incommodious position even before Sara Jessica decided to try and make it look like it was a practical way for a working gal to multi-task.

So I have decided not to blame the whole thing on Ms. Parker. She may just be another cog in the endless parade of people who voluntarily place insurmountable obstacles in their own way to escape having to write.

• Interestingly, after an informal investigation I conducted on three different search engines, I found that 100% of the lying-on-the-stomach-while-writing photos available on the internet are of women. I could not find a single photo involving any other gender. Only women. Which brings me to my burning question: WHY ? Do they represent a generation of written word pioneers forging ahead in a new frontier full of brand new reasons why writing is completely impossible?

Let us examine a few of these photos in greater detail.

The intense and contemplative demeanor of this sensibly dressed woman suggests that she may break into writing any second. So before we judge her, we must stand in awe of how skilled she has to be at one- handed typing. Because if she plans to write, her other hand is not available for anything useful since it is the way she is holding her torso upright. One false move and she is going to wind up face down on the keyboard. Writing is hard enough without trying to do it lying face down.

Unsurprisingly, many of the women who attempt this pose sit poised, pens at the ready, hovering atop brand new books of blank untouched pages.

This woman has taken on the outsized challenge of not doing two things at the same time. Here we see her not only NOT writing, but also not talking on the phone. My intuition tells me that if and when she finally makes contact with whoever she is trying to reach, she will flip over on to her back and abandon writing altogether.

Although this woman stares longingly at her brand new blank book of unused pages, so eager is she to have you imagine that she on the verge of getting some real writing done that she hopes the squiggly lines she has made at the bottom of the page she has before her will look to you like symbols from some ancient and therefore legitimate alphabet.

This woman, also perched over a completely blank book and wielding an enormous pen, is not only trying to write lying face down but also while balancing a delicately draped blanket on her shoulders. Even if we assume she is the one differently abled freak who can pull this dysfunctional position off gracefully, everyone with any relationship at all to writing has noticed the dead giveaway that something is amiss: Has there ever been a writer in the midst of writing anything that matters who is capable of beaming a smile like this? If you don’t believe me, go take a look at any author photo in the back of any book. (Fingers crossed that you are one of those people who still owns at least a few books.)

Do not be deceived. This attractive young woman with her pen poised over her totally blank book, may look delicate and feminine. But she has taken on a daunting double challenge. Here she is showing us that NOT ONLY is she planning to NOT succeed in her attempts at writing, but she will do it using a book that requires her to hold the cover open with her other hand. At least she can take comfort in the fact that she knows her hair looks good. Really really good.

This woman has raised the stakes even higher by hovering over her open lap top while balancing a glass full of chardonnay. Her wry, almost whimsical smile, tells us that she has never had to pay to repair a keyboard damaged by a spilled liquid. No wonder she needs that big plate of popcorn near by to keep up her energy. On the bright side, the drunker she gets, the less she will care that she has made it impossible for herself to write.

Which brings us to this woman, who seems to be saying “I’ll see your big glass of chardonnay and raise you a 16 ounce cup of hot coffee.” And she is proving to us that she has confidence in her ability to consume hot coffee while lying on her stomach and trying to write because she defiantly wears a white shirt. She’s not worried that white is the worst possible color to wear in the worst possible position for writing and drinking hot coffee. No. She’s got this.

On the positive side, the group of women who feel that they can write something meaningful in their totally blank books while lying on their stomachs is apparently ethnically diverse. I am going to take that as a sign of progress of some kind. From a purely patriotic standpoint, I am proud to report that the delusional wanna-be writers in these United States are members of every race, religion and nationality.

This woman is so sure she is going to get some important work done, no matter how unwieldy her approach, that she has taken the unusual step of stashing a potted plant along side her cup of coffee, behind her alarm clock, on top of her bed. And she has done this knowing full well that all of these things are balancing precariously on top of a white bedspread.

“Dear Diary: You won’t believe what happ…Goddamit. Shit. Sorry. Dammit. Can’t.”

We end on this mysterious woman. Dressed in her finest lingerie, she sits poised on her stomach, ready to do some writing with her enormous pen in her completely untouched book full of blank pages. So devoted is she to wanting to appear carried away by the writing process that she has moved a bed into what looks like a hospital waiting room or a corporate headquarters. But why? Well, I have developed an unconventional theory. Further scrutiny has lead me to believe that she is surreptitiously keeping an eye on that lone man in the back of the room on the couch. The angle of her eyes indicate to me that she may be watching him. Is he aware that she is watching? Does she work for Vladimir Putin? Does he? Did some authoritarian regime demand that she freeze and then maintain this untenable writing position as a disguise while her top secret mission is carried forward? These are some of the questions that can not be answered by me right now. Or ever.

And so we say goodbye to these and other women who have made the already onerous pursuit of writing even more difficult. But as we depart we are left with one very big question: Why is it only women who are drawn to this improbable writing position?

Gee..I wonder if the inventors of the laptop decided to call it a “lap” top for any particular reason?

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