Advice for Couples: How to Fight Fairly

Very important, as you might imagine.

I have been in a hetero-normative relationship with one cis man for 23 years. Two years ago we took legal steps to call it “a marriage.” Earlier in my life, I was in three other lengthy relationships with three other hetero-normative cis males. This makes me a hetero-normative cis male relationship survivor of over half a century and therefore an expert of sorts. And when I say “of sorts” I mean…well, I am not sure what I mean. That “of sorts” just kind of flew in there. My point is that I know a little something about the many and varied challenges one faces in trying to have a relationship with a hetero-normative cis male human. The more forthcoming among them will readily admit the truth of this. It is not always a picnic. In fact, the very idea of a picnic of any kind with a hetero-normative cis male opens the door to such a complex set of planning hurdles that I will address that topic by itself some other time.

What I am saying is that if managing and maintaining a long term relationship with a hetero-normative cis male is among your short or long term life goals, there are subtle but deliberate behavioral adjustments that you must know how to make. Chief among them is learning to fight effectively, and with fairness because it is a given that arguments and conflicts with hetero-normative cis males attempting to conduct a traditional long term relationship are going to flow toward you on incalculable occasions like an undammed coarsing river. And when they do, it will be up to you, the partner of the hetero-normative cis male, to not only hold your own but to clearly understand the placement of all the advancing soldiers on the opposing battlefield. Only by doing this will you be able to wisely avoid a humiliating defeat in an impending skirmish.

By the way, in this piece, I have targeted hetero-normative couples only because I have always secretly hoped that perhaps gay couples are in some way more sensible. However because I am aware that gay couples are also comprised of humans, I suspect this may not be the case.

Let us now examine some of the tools you, as part of a couple, have at your disposal.

If communication between both members of a couple is going to exist, you MUST LEARN TO READ THE BODY LANGUAGE of your partner. Here we see a woman pursuing an ill-advised battle strategy because she is failing to read her partner’s facial expression which is clearly telling her “DO NOT STRANGLE ME.” Instead, she is moving ahead with a spontaneous frontal assault that will result in a pyrrhic victory at best.. Although an attention-getting dinner party anecdote may also be the result.

This couple find themselves at cross purposes during a heated argument because they are NOT listening to each other. She is saying “ONE! Listen to me. I said ONE.” And he is replying “You’re crazy. For Chrissakes, the correct number is ONE.” The sad truth is that they are so used to tuning each other out, that they do not realize that they are saying the exact same thing . And so their argument continues, growing in intensity, until both are reduced to employing an alarmingly hostile facial technique known, in the original German, as AFFENMAUL ( or Monkey Mouth.). “Do NOT give me that CRAP. I SAID ONE.” she screams back at him, her mouth wide open like that of a monkey, “That’s BULLSHIT” he returns the fire, “The correct number is ONE. And I don’t want to hear another word about it.” This is an excellent example of the necessity to at least TRY TO LISTEN WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS SPEAKING. Listening is a skill that will only grow better through continued practice. Research shows that very few couples have ever experimented with the idea of not tuning out. But the truth is that knowing what your partner just said can be a useful tool in winning an impassioned argument.

Here we take a closer look at the afore-mentioned AFFENMAUL ( Monkey Mouth) a combat technique that combines the use of broad facial expressions full of exaggerated ferocity in order to convey the message that the user thinks the other side of this argument is weak and is therefore in no mood to compromise. The photo on the left is atypical in that it shows BOTH PARTNERS engaging in SIMULTANEOUS AFFENMAUL (Dopelter affenmund). Probably a stand-off has been reached. Both appear to be furious and probably neither has convinced the other of anything. So frustrated is the human woman in the photo that she has been reduced to adding what is known, in the original German, as ‘Hande Hoch’ (Hands Up) This gesture is meant to serve as a reminder to her angry opponent that her side of this argument is the sensible side. He counter-attacks with what is known as Fingerzeig (Finger Pointing) in order to let her know that he has not heard a word she is saying and has no interest in finding out what he has missed. And so the argument is doomed to continue .

In the photo on the left, only the male is engaging in Affenmaul. However his partner has returned the volley with some impassioned Fingerzeig which she wisely combines with a fiercely clenched jaw.. Because she herself has not been reduced to using an Affenmaul grimace, when the dust settles from this impassioned melee, she may be seen as the more even-handed, less acrimonious one. Should the relationship still exist beyond this point, her composure may play a role in making her the default winner.

This arguing couple are not only NOT listening to each other, the male (or male identified) member of the couple is making it a lot more obvious than is necessary. By clamping his hands over his ears, he has made it impossible for her to ignore his intentions to block out the content of her side of the argument. This is a problematic approach since it is critical to the health and longevity of a relationship that both partners at least PRETEND TO BE LISTENING. Also ,from a purely practical standpoint, hands-over-the-ears is an ineffective way to block out the speech of a person who is only a few inches away. That is more easily accomplished with a combination of ear-plugs, and noise-cancelling head-phones, both available at a wide variety of retail outlets. In a pinch, a useful substitute measure can be achieved by a finger placed in each ear with an added over-lay of a robust and continuous sing-songy chanting of “Lalalalalalalalalalalalala.”

In this photo, the roles are reversed. Now it is the woman who is holding her hands over her ears. But she is also making the precarious mistake of looking at her opponent while she does it, and in that way encouraging him to think that he is somehow making useful points and should keep talking. In both photos, the partner who is not engaging in the hands-on-ears position finds themselves resorting to what the German psychologists call “Laibhande or “Loaf Hands.” With this gesture, the hands are extended forward into the shape of a loaf which is meant to signify the large amount of important feelings and common-sense factual data the non-hearing partner is willfully ignoring. This tactic is considered largely unproductive.

Here we see a common battle strategy more frequently employed by men than women. Best known by it’s original German name, ‘VERSTECKEN’ (which translates as “Hiding”) it is widely considered ineffective for a number of reasons, chief among them the fact that the contempt filled body language demonstrated by both of the female partners is intended to communicate to ‘the hiding man’ that in fact he is fooling no one. He can be easily seen.

Above we have the rare opportunity to observe a hetero-normative cis male engaging in VERSTECKEN (Hiding) within the boundaries of two entirely different relationships. So convinced is he of his invisibility that he didn’t even bother changing clothes when he moved from one household to another. In both cases, the expression on the face of his partner forcefully communicates that this strategy is working poorly.

Some experts believe that the best use of Verstecken is if it is practiced by both partners at the same time. When both partners are hiding, it can sometimes have a settling, if temporary, effect on the ongoing skirmishes.

These photos both contain examples of a heter-normative cis male performing two entirely different versions of “Ich Kann Damit Nicht Klarkommen” (translation: “I CAN’T WITH THIS.”). These physical gestures and facial expressions are intended to convey to his partner that yes, he has HEARD what is being expressed but is rejecting her claim that only her side of the argument is based in logic. In both instances the female (or female identified) opponent has no choice but to resort to what is known as “Hande Hoch” or “Hands Up”….a gesture of futility that may even indicate a certain amount of retreat. But there can be other hidden variables. What the woman in the photo on the right has no way of knowing is that the posture of her partner does NOT convey any degree of assimilation of her ideas. Rather he is preoccupied with thoughts about the big win he had last night during a round of “Mortal Combat: Modern Warfare.” when he kicked SERIOUS BUTT. As soon as things calm down even a little, he CAN NOT WAIT to get back to playing this game.

In this photo we see a relationship that has come apart because it’s two participants have agreed to try and settle their differences through a theatrical re-enactment of a metaphor. This is an approach that is becoming increasingly common in the age of Instagram. Here we see that both members of the couple are dressed alike, and have the same hair color. More importantly, both have agreed to a photo in which they are holding an equal portion of a large red heart meant to symbolize a big rip in their troubled love. Yet try as they might, neither one has any idea how to reassemble this allegorical heart shaped puzzle that they themselves constructed. It is only broken in to TWO pieces, yet they are at loggerheads about how to make it whole. Thus, for the good of society, at least a temporary separation seems to be mandatory for this troubled couple. When BOTH members of a couple willfully exhibit this level of cluelessness, they should probably stay away from each other, before they have agreed to undertake the raising of children.

Obviously, on this page I have but scratched the surface of this complicated subject. As a final note, please remember to practice these techniques in front of a mirror before you take them into any theater of war. If you are not buying them as convincing, neither will anyone else. I wish you all the best of luck.