Bulletin: Women No Longer Have Any Idea How to Eat Cake

A cautionary warning on this 4th of July Weekend

Whilst writing my last piece (Yes, I said whilst) about the baffling posture mistake many women make in their earnest pursuit of writing, (see previous piece: Women Who Write While Lying on Their Stomachs) I unexpectedly came across a second and perhaps even more disconcerting behavioral miscalculation that seems to have spread like a virus across the gender of humans with whom I often identify.

Considering the pressure that cultures across the world put on women to be perfectly groomed and rail thin, I do not know why I found it surprising. After all, a female is chastened, if not pummeled, about what she should and should not eat from her preteen years on. I went on my first diet when I was ten years old after I thought I heard a boy call me fat. I wasn’t even sure that he was talking about me. But on the chance that he might have been, I made my mother buy me a pocket sized book that listed the calorie count for every type of food. So upsetting did I find the totals it revealed that a photographic image of those pages remains seared into my brain to this very day: “Grapefruit: 52 calories. Hard-boiled egg: 100 calories. Apple: 90 calories. Chocolate chip cookie: 1,465,391calories.”

Never again did I bite into a chocolate chip cookie without first drowning in an ocean of regret.

Which brings me to the frightening truth I uncovered during my research. It is this: Women have been so routinely scrutinized and chastised for so many centuries about their physical inadequacies that a genetic loss of knowledge about how to eat cake is now being passed down from generation to generation. It’s the evolutionary result of a life of negative reinforcement and deprivation. The original neuropathways that once functioned normally have apparently been erased.

Let’s survey the tragic evidence.

This casually dressed woman is seated at a table in front of a traditional cake plate containing what appears to be an entire strawberry layer cake. So confused is she by the correct way to consume something of this sort that she has reached for two (2!) hand-fulls of cake at the same time. Beyond the fact that this approach is unwieldy and considered impolite, it does little to explain how she managed to get icing on her forehead and in both of her eyebrows. The only conclusion that can be drawn is that this photo was taken during her very first encounter with cake. A complete lack of previous experience has caused her to begin by diving head first directly into the cake itself.

This woman was so overwhelmed by the prospect of choosing from an assortment of smaller cakes that her total lack of experience has caused her to pick up a large slice of chocolate layer cake with her fingers and attempt to insert it into her mouth all at once. In so doing, she has gotten icing onto the tip of her nose. Sensing that she may be doing something incorrectly, she peers out at whoever is near. Her sneaky, childlike, expression is meant to convey “ Please cut me some slack. I am not from a world where cake is a thing that can be eaten.”

Here is another photo taken at the exact moment a woman attempts to consume her very first piece of cake. With no previous set of instructions to guide her, she guilelessly takes hold of it using both of her hands at the same time. And then, lacking any set of reference points about what to do next, she elects to endure her first encounter with icing nose first. This might be funny if it were not also so tragic.

My heart goes out to this visibly forlorn young lady who has been handed a multi layered slice of chocolate cake that rests only on a thin piece of white cardboard or a napkin. Alone and stranded without any advice about how next to proceed, some kind of ancient intuitive sense has come to her rescue and lead her to the idea of using an eating utensil. If she had only been given the opportunity to practice with it before hand, perhaps she could have avoided pushing her very first fork full of cake directly into her nose.

I am going to issue a trigger warning for sensitive readers due to the poignant nature of the story behind this photo. It tells the tale of a beautiful young woman who was so looking forward to attending some unspecified event that she got her nails done and wore her satin and velvet gown. Even though making a good impression was clearly foremost in her mind, a harrowing lack of cultural teachings left her unprepared for what to do after being served an unfamiliar piece of two layer chocolate cake topped with a creamy white icing and a layer of red cherries. Absent any kind of orientation for a food experience like this, she then made the unseemly mistake of dipping her face, nose first, directly into the cake. Realizing that this approach was going to cause her more problems than it would solve, she decides to try and cut her losses by grabbing the cake itself with her bare hand. Her startled expression speaks to the core of her humiliation. “Someone please tell me that I am doing this right?” she seems to say.

A beautiful hat, a designer dress, a brand new lipstick and expensive jewelry; The details in this photo add up to so much tragedy that I do not feel qualified to comment.

So confused was this cake-deprived woman during this, her first attempt to eat cake, that only after leaning her entire torso including her forearms directly into the piece on the plate in front of her did she begin to sense that she was doing something wrong. Left with no idea of how to cope with the reactions she is getting from others in attendance, she can find no avenue of escape except to close her eyes.

This young lady had enough of a sense that things might go terribly wrong that she decided to approach eating her first piece of cake partially unclothed. Unfortunately this did not prevent her from somehow getting icing on both of her cheeks and directly in the center of her forehead before even taking a first bite. The icing comes perilously close to her carefully combed forelock. How she was able to do all this remains unexplained.

The facial expression on this woman, obviously a new-comer to cake, seems to be saying “Okay. I will give this a try. But don’t blame me for what happens next.” She was fortunate in that no follow up photo seems to have been posted.

Here we have one of the very few women of color to appear on search engines looking for images of “women eating cake.” For some reason, the overwhelming majority of women suffering from this affliction appear to be youngish and white. But once again, an analysis of her posture and demeanor indicate that she too has a total lack of information with regard to acceptible cake protocols. Thus we see her lifting the plate up to her open mouth, as if to take a bite without the aid of a utensil. Perhaps its for the best that we do not know what happened next. For the moment, she is allowed to retain her dignity.

Oh no… is this the same woman? I do not know. Perhaps it is a different woman. I’m hoping it is. Otherwise, it is too heart rending to contemplate.

And so, on this the Fourth of July weekend, as we celebrate the birthday of our country, let us take a moment out of planning our celebratory barbecues and picnics, to appreciate what the women we know and love have done to make our lives better. As a way to salute their struggles, let us support them in their quest for our respect by simply not serving cake of any sort at our holiday gatherings. In fact, I would like to expand that suggestion and see it eliminated from all holiday menus for the foreseeable future. Fortunately, pie is the customary dessert for many holidays and to the best of my knowledge there is little or no search engine evidence that women are similarly handicapped in their attempts to deal with this more traditional celebratory dessert. So have a Happy Holiday, if such a thing is even possible.

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