As I read this my life flashed back--teen me tossing back Dexetrim and diet coke, dreaming of my future "meal" of one Figurine bar; kid me splashing in ocean waves freeeeeee from hating my body, enjoying the moment.
You have a knack for making wrong moments accurately laughable.
I wish I knew more women who didn't have parallel experiences to mine. And then we have these bizarre media images you're showing.
As a kid, I wanted to work in Hollywood movies. A long the way, I read how little Judy Garland was used and abused (dance, sing, make us millions!) and told by the system (Warner or was it Louis B. Mayer?) that she was fat. They wanted her thin... they drugged her asleep and pepped her awake to get to the set and make movies for them.
So when I recently saw a photo of teen Judy Garland on the set of Wizard of Oz on her birthday, looking sad standing in front of a birthday cake for her, it crushed me.
Those damned cakes seem to represent some mockery of our femininity--Ha! Wouldn't you LOVE to eat this with your hands like a sugar-craving heathen? Go ahead! But we'll mock you, call you names behind your back, tell you you have no control.
This is such a frightening discovery I don't even know how to proceed. Those poor women. I am in such despair, I may have to abandon everything I know and go live in a cake… I mean cave.
Another gem. I posted the last one (about women writing while lying on their stomachs) in a writers' group I am in on Facebook and there were some indignant replies about how "I always write like this" and "I didn't understand the humor." I suspect I am in the wrong group.
Hey, you're Canadian! I peeked at your Substack piece on Canada. So is my husband. He's from Winnipeg. Something about Canadians--most of his friends and family are hilarious.
PS My husband worked with Paul Anka during, I think, a CBC special he (my husband Ian) while playing bass with Burton Cummings (formerly with The Guess Who)-- and is pretty darn funny himself.
My mom used to cal Burton Cummings "Burton's Cumming" every single time his name came up.
Very cool and fun about your husband! As a wee Canadian kid, every time we had to do projects on famous Canadians I'd choose William Shatner, James Doohan, and Dan Aykroyd. I remember starting one presentation by putting up a Coneheads poster (from SNL itself, not the movie) and my history teacher could not stop laughing.
The reason young women do not understand cake is that their preferred comfort/binge food is ice cream, which they know is eaten straight from the carton, using a spoon.
Tomorrow's my 66th birthday. I have cake and ice cream in the freezer, and I'll put them in a bowl together and shovel them in tonight while watching horror movies. Pure bliss.
So funny. Loved this and the women on stomachs writing. May I suggest women playing musical instruments? Soooooo many fails. As a flute player I’m used to seeing them holding instrument to wrong side - even in our musicians union paper! But there are some gems I’m sure you can find
I learned piano, mostly due to my mother having been gifted with a neighbor’s instrument upon moving. Best thing I can say about the experience is that at least you can sit down and don’t have to hold anything while playing.
Thank you so much.
As I read this my life flashed back--teen me tossing back Dexetrim and diet coke, dreaming of my future "meal" of one Figurine bar; kid me splashing in ocean waves freeeeeee from hating my body, enjoying the moment.
You have a knack for making wrong moments accurately laughable.
I wish I knew more women who didn't have parallel experiences to mine. And then we have these bizarre media images you're showing.
As a kid, I wanted to work in Hollywood movies. A long the way, I read how little Judy Garland was used and abused (dance, sing, make us millions!) and told by the system (Warner or was it Louis B. Mayer?) that she was fat. They wanted her thin... they drugged her asleep and pepped her awake to get to the set and make movies for them.
So when I recently saw a photo of teen Judy Garland on the set of Wizard of Oz on her birthday, looking sad standing in front of a birthday cake for her, it crushed me.
Those damned cakes seem to represent some mockery of our femininity--Ha! Wouldn't you LOVE to eat this with your hands like a sugar-craving heathen? Go ahead! But we'll mock you, call you names behind your back, tell you you have no control.
You're on to something, Merrill!
This is such a frightening discovery I don't even know how to proceed. Those poor women. I am in such despair, I may have to abandon everything I know and go live in a cake… I mean cave.
Merrill, this is the most blazingly, bitterly funny piece I've read ALL YEAR!
That is a great complement because you have had your hands on some blazingly bitter and funny reading materials.
Another gem. I posted the last one (about women writing while lying on their stomachs) in a writers' group I am in on Facebook and there were some indignant replies about how "I always write like this" and "I didn't understand the humor." I suspect I am in the wrong group.
I suspect that the woman who always writes like that is not getting a whole lot of writing done.
Oof. Humorless people scare me.
Especially humorless writers.
Hey, you're Canadian! I peeked at your Substack piece on Canada. So is my husband. He's from Winnipeg. Something about Canadians--most of his friends and family are hilarious.
PS My husband worked with Paul Anka during, I think, a CBC special he (my husband Ian) while playing bass with Burton Cummings (formerly with The Guess Who)-- and is pretty darn funny himself.
My mom used to cal Burton Cummings "Burton's Cumming" every single time his name came up.
Very cool and fun about your husband! As a wee Canadian kid, every time we had to do projects on famous Canadians I'd choose William Shatner, James Doohan, and Dan Aykroyd. I remember starting one presentation by putting up a Coneheads poster (from SNL itself, not the movie) and my history teacher could not stop laughing.
I knew a guy years ago who knew Burton Cummings and hated him. They met in a guitar shop in Toronto, I think.
Burton's Cumming--I like that. Good to discover you, Laurie... another humorous Canadian.
Yep.
Hilarious!
Thank you Ms K21
Thank you!
Thank you again. it hurts less when we get to laugh.
Exactly.
You’ve stumbled closely upon the reason why there are more women gardeners than men: the utility of garden trowels.
Merrill Markoe is always funny. The dogs taught her well!
https://www.amazon.ca/What-Dogs-Have-Taught-Me/dp/0812974506
Merrill is so fraking funny.
For my birthday this year I didn't have cake. I ate ice cream every day of my birthday week instead. I have no regrets. 🍧
The reason young women do not understand cake is that their preferred comfort/binge food is ice cream, which they know is eaten straight from the carton, using a spoon.
Your writing is a fun read. Keep it up - we need talent to balance our national move toward becoming Vulgaria.
I first ate ice cream out of the container at 60..... with no apology for who came next. May do cake yet yoday!
Tomorrow's my 66th birthday. I have cake and ice cream in the freezer, and I'll put them in a bowl together and shovel them in tonight while watching horror movies. Pure bliss.
So funny. Loved this and the women on stomachs writing. May I suggest women playing musical instruments? Soooooo many fails. As a flute player I’m used to seeing them holding instrument to wrong side - even in our musicians union paper! But there are some gems I’m sure you can find
I learned piano, mostly due to my mother having been gifted with a neighbor’s instrument upon moving. Best thing I can say about the experience is that at least you can sit down and don’t have to hold anything while playing.
Thank you Orna. And what a great first name you have!