Yep. One of the best you've written. I spent year 12/7th grade of my life clad in "Toughskin" jeans from Sears, which had this thick, leather patch that looked like something you'd create at a Tandy Leather "beginner" class, that would leave an imprint on the acrylic school chairs, thus how I always knew if someone had stolen my chair, or I was in polyester pants, with bell-bottoms so big, I looked like "Cracker Jack" all because my mother's wishes for my wardrobe were the most important. Seriously though, you are spot-on, and, yes, both of my parents were Narcissists as well.
Though now I won't roll into a fetal ball if I see an old "Toughskins" commercial...
The struggle is real, and I nod my head at the whacked out programming we children of Narcissists received that set us up for attracting the same monsters as friends, lovers, etc.
Great piece! 👏🏻 I’ve rarely heard the topic of narcissistic people explained so succinctly while also avoiding direct attacks on the humanity of the narcissistic person. Often it boils down to “they’re pure evil, nothing can change them, cut them out at any cost,” which isn’t very helpful or informative.
Knowing how to protect and honor oneself is a far greater “weapon” than demonizing the narcissistic person, because they are often people we can’t sever all contact with. Instead, we get to learn the value of setting boundaries and learning that others’ behavior is often out of our control.
Of course, there are plenty of circumstances where it is completely appropriate to sever contact, but that shouldn’t preclude teaching ourselves how to identify those red flags going forward.
I’m bookmarking this piece. Thank you for sharing!!
Oh man, this is so spot on for my parents I should read it every day. It truly is a death when you realize that there is no way to connect with them — it leaves you in an incredibly lonely place. And it’s so hard to stop feeling the need to mind-read & anticipate the wants of everyone around you — or at least it is for me. I fully absorbed that being the mind-reading servant was the essence of having any value, and that without it I almost didn’t exist — that no one could see me. It’s so sad that even if you devote your life to them it makes them no happier. EVERYONE LOSES.
Me too. There was a pretty long period of my life where I felt like I was invisible. Unfortunately it turned out I was not invisible enough to really make a success out of robbing banks.
This was such a great article and hope it helps many people get through the holidays. So glad your blog is still up, because I remembered your post, "Narcissists Say The Darndest Things," and hoped it was still accessible. It is. You were so kind to reply to so many people who posted quotes from the narcissists in their lives. Here's the link for anyone who's interested in reading these gems: https://merrillmarkoe.com/great-quotes-by-narcissists.
Consider it "vintage," a time capsule. (That's how I describe mine, untouched in lo these many years. I'm not a public figure like you, but it served me well in building my freelance business when it needed building. And now it's "trapped in amber" like some prehistoric creature.) Keep up the fresh blog!
I love this so much. I, too, was "raised" by double narcissists and thought it was me all along. My mother likes to buy me vests, fruitcakes and children sized skirts. Thank you for sharing this and sharing your personal history. Happy holidays to you.
Unfortunately, I think we've all had similar experiences at one point or another in our lives. Sometimes I am reminded of the time my parents offered to take my then boyfriend and I out to dinner for my birthday. They asked me where I wanted to go, and I named a nearby Mexican restaurant with reasonably priced food. Apparently this was the wrong answer. They suggested another place, and pointed out I could get baked ziti there. (Note: last time I checked baked ziti is not Mexican food.) Anyway, long story short we ended up going to the baked ziti place, and I decided that maybe I would prefer not to go out to dinner with my parents on my birthday.
Haa. Yeah--there is only one answer to anything. When I would go to a restaurant with them, she would get mad if I ordered the same thing i had last time. It was a rule book with so many edits in it no one could stay ahead of it
I got ganged up on by my parents and the annoying owner of a restaurant (who for some reason they loved) because I annoyed them by ordering the same thing more than once. Some people are so weird.
Wow! Such a perfect illustration of what being in a narcissistic relationship is like. My ex is a narcissist and I too found out how to deal with his behavior through books, online articles and therapy. He is someone else’s messiah/god/perfect person now and I am happier than I’ve been in a very long time. Peace!
Also the child of narcissists. Took me a long time--and three therapists--to figure that out. I've had to set very firm boundaries with my parents, who are still alive, to protect myself from them. The worst part is watching my nieces have to deal with this. Second generation trauma. And not being able to explain to other people that there really isn't any reasoning with them. I'm not the asshole for not seeing them on the holidays. They're the assholes. That there's no hope that they'll get better. There's just figuring out how to best live my life, which often means a lot of distance from them.
Anyway, as I've gotten older, I think there's more and more of us out there--children of narcissists.
On the bright side,I have managed to figure out how to have a string of really great holidays since my parents shed their mortal coil. I hope you are doing the same! A holiday without fights is the most blessed holiday imaginable.In fact NoFights day should BE a HOLIDAY!
No Fights Day should be a holiday! I am figuring it all out, with my parents still alive, in a way that feels good to me. Your story about shopping with your mother was just so familiar. I'm glad you can look at it with humor now. I'm not there yet, but aspire to be. Good to see it's possible.
Pretty good. I can still see the array of 50s frilly dresses from I Magnin and Saks on my bed and being told to pick the two I liked. Liked? I was required to choose two or else I was an ungrateful, tasteless, hopeless 9 year old for eternity.
I loved your piece. It is hell to have one narcissistic parent, much less two. Your description of what must be learned in order to protect against narcissistic parent(s) is spot on. For years I did it by avoidance (living several states away) from my parents. While an effective strategy, it meant not seeing my siblings and my two nieces very often and holidays could be very lonely. After many many years of good therapy, I learned how to protect myself and could spend holidays with my family. I have to say that my narcissistic father was transformed by caring for my mother who had Alzheimer’s. He put her needs first and it was amazing to see. He took her to medical appointments, did their laundry, shopped for groceries, prepared meals , administered her meds and protected her from harm for as long as he could do so safely. (6 yrs!!) She spent her last six months in a memory care unit followed by hospice. Alzheimer’s is a terrible way to die, but my father developed the capacity for empathy during her long goodbye and I forgave him for everything.
I’m equally heartened and depressed by the knowledge that we apparently have the same mother. I’ve asked my mom for money to help with bills as a present, and she’s purposely given me gift cards fir places I would never shop at to prevent me “wasting” my money on my mortgage, utilities, etc. I used to give away 95% of what she bought me for Christmas because it was so wildly different from anything I would have purchased for myself.
My ex-husband. His brother was 19 years older and his sister was 12 years older. His parents doted on him excessively, bailed him out when he got into trouble, bought him everything. As a consequencehe grew up up to be a selfish asshole whose mood turned thunderous when the attention wasn't on him. Even Christmas made him moody and pouty. If you met him, you'd think he was great, funny, outgoing, the life of the party. People would say to me, oh fun it must be to be married to Jeff! Yes. It was a 24 hour a day party. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. I started going with him when i was 15 and for a really long time i saw him through those teenage eyes. Finally the alcoholism and the drug use and the physical and mental abuse scared me enough to take my children and go.
I'm great now, five years of therapy and marriage to a good man who makes me laugh in the right way. My children have nothing to do with him now as adults and he has no friends because he was never a friend himself.
Yep. One of the best you've written. I spent year 12/7th grade of my life clad in "Toughskin" jeans from Sears, which had this thick, leather patch that looked like something you'd create at a Tandy Leather "beginner" class, that would leave an imprint on the acrylic school chairs, thus how I always knew if someone had stolen my chair, or I was in polyester pants, with bell-bottoms so big, I looked like "Cracker Jack" all because my mother's wishes for my wardrobe were the most important. Seriously though, you are spot-on, and, yes, both of my parents were Narcissists as well.
Though now I won't roll into a fetal ball if I see an old "Toughskins" commercial...
The struggle is real, and I nod my head at the whacked out programming we children of Narcissists received that set us up for attracting the same monsters as friends, lovers, etc.
Again, thanks for this. It's a keeper.
Great piece! 👏🏻 I’ve rarely heard the topic of narcissistic people explained so succinctly while also avoiding direct attacks on the humanity of the narcissistic person. Often it boils down to “they’re pure evil, nothing can change them, cut them out at any cost,” which isn’t very helpful or informative.
Knowing how to protect and honor oneself is a far greater “weapon” than demonizing the narcissistic person, because they are often people we can’t sever all contact with. Instead, we get to learn the value of setting boundaries and learning that others’ behavior is often out of our control.
Of course, there are plenty of circumstances where it is completely appropriate to sever contact, but that shouldn’t preclude teaching ourselves how to identify those red flags going forward.
I’m bookmarking this piece. Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you Heather!!
Oh man, this is so spot on for my parents I should read it every day. It truly is a death when you realize that there is no way to connect with them — it leaves you in an incredibly lonely place. And it’s so hard to stop feeling the need to mind-read & anticipate the wants of everyone around you — or at least it is for me. I fully absorbed that being the mind-reading servant was the essence of having any value, and that without it I almost didn’t exist — that no one could see me. It’s so sad that even if you devote your life to them it makes them no happier. EVERYONE LOSES.
Me too. There was a pretty long period of my life where I felt like I was invisible. Unfortunately it turned out I was not invisible enough to really make a success out of robbing banks.
I felt translucent, not quite solid, not fully formed. Never thought anyone would notice if I didn’t show up.
Precisely. I also felt no one would notice if I DID show up. WHich was a great rationalization for not having to attend.
This was such a great article and hope it helps many people get through the holidays. So glad your blog is still up, because I remembered your post, "Narcissists Say The Darndest Things," and hoped it was still accessible. It is. You were so kind to reply to so many people who posted quotes from the narcissists in their lives. Here's the link for anyone who's interested in reading these gems: https://merrillmarkoe.com/great-quotes-by-narcissists.
Thanks Suzanne. That website is a dated mess.But I still havent gotten around to organizing a new one.
Consider it "vintage," a time capsule. (That's how I describe mine, untouched in lo these many years. I'm not a public figure like you, but it served me well in building my freelance business when it needed building. And now it's "trapped in amber" like some prehistoric creature.) Keep up the fresh blog!
I love this so much. I, too, was "raised" by double narcissists and thought it was me all along. My mother likes to buy me vests, fruitcakes and children sized skirts. Thank you for sharing this and sharing your personal history. Happy holidays to you.
Thank you for filling in a couple of very important puzzle pieces, most importantly how their own insecurity is the big driver. Such a great article.
This is brilliant!
Unfortunately, I think we've all had similar experiences at one point or another in our lives. Sometimes I am reminded of the time my parents offered to take my then boyfriend and I out to dinner for my birthday. They asked me where I wanted to go, and I named a nearby Mexican restaurant with reasonably priced food. Apparently this was the wrong answer. They suggested another place, and pointed out I could get baked ziti there. (Note: last time I checked baked ziti is not Mexican food.) Anyway, long story short we ended up going to the baked ziti place, and I decided that maybe I would prefer not to go out to dinner with my parents on my birthday.
Haa. Yeah--there is only one answer to anything. When I would go to a restaurant with them, she would get mad if I ordered the same thing i had last time. It was a rule book with so many edits in it no one could stay ahead of it
I got ganged up on by my parents and the annoying owner of a restaurant (who for some reason they loved) because I annoyed them by ordering the same thing more than once. Some people are so weird.
Beautifully done.
With an undercurrent of … well, you know.
I get this
What? YOU?????????????? What could YOU know about this.
Wow! Such a perfect illustration of what being in a narcissistic relationship is like. My ex is a narcissist and I too found out how to deal with his behavior through books, online articles and therapy. He is someone else’s messiah/god/perfect person now and I am happier than I’ve been in a very long time. Peace!
Also the child of narcissists. Took me a long time--and three therapists--to figure that out. I've had to set very firm boundaries with my parents, who are still alive, to protect myself from them. The worst part is watching my nieces have to deal with this. Second generation trauma. And not being able to explain to other people that there really isn't any reasoning with them. I'm not the asshole for not seeing them on the holidays. They're the assholes. That there's no hope that they'll get better. There's just figuring out how to best live my life, which often means a lot of distance from them.
Anyway, as I've gotten older, I think there's more and more of us out there--children of narcissists.
On the bright side,I have managed to figure out how to have a string of really great holidays since my parents shed their mortal coil. I hope you are doing the same! A holiday without fights is the most blessed holiday imaginable.In fact NoFights day should BE a HOLIDAY!
No Fights Day should be a holiday! I am figuring it all out, with my parents still alive, in a way that feels good to me. Your story about shopping with your mother was just so familiar. I'm glad you can look at it with humor now. I'm not there yet, but aspire to be. Good to see it's possible.
Pretty good. I can still see the array of 50s frilly dresses from I Magnin and Saks on my bed and being told to pick the two I liked. Liked? I was required to choose two or else I was an ungrateful, tasteless, hopeless 9 year old for eternity.
I loved your piece. It is hell to have one narcissistic parent, much less two. Your description of what must be learned in order to protect against narcissistic parent(s) is spot on. For years I did it by avoidance (living several states away) from my parents. While an effective strategy, it meant not seeing my siblings and my two nieces very often and holidays could be very lonely. After many many years of good therapy, I learned how to protect myself and could spend holidays with my family. I have to say that my narcissistic father was transformed by caring for my mother who had Alzheimer’s. He put her needs first and it was amazing to see. He took her to medical appointments, did their laundry, shopped for groceries, prepared meals , administered her meds and protected her from harm for as long as he could do so safely. (6 yrs!!) She spent her last six months in a memory care unit followed by hospice. Alzheimer’s is a terrible way to die, but my father developed the capacity for empathy during her long goodbye and I forgave him for everything.
Wow. Good for him.
I’m equally heartened and depressed by the knowledge that we apparently have the same mother. I’ve asked my mom for money to help with bills as a present, and she’s purposely given me gift cards fir places I would never shop at to prevent me “wasting” my money on my mortgage, utilities, etc. I used to give away 95% of what she bought me for Christmas because it was so wildly different from anything I would have purchased for myself.
My ex-husband. His brother was 19 years older and his sister was 12 years older. His parents doted on him excessively, bailed him out when he got into trouble, bought him everything. As a consequencehe grew up up to be a selfish asshole whose mood turned thunderous when the attention wasn't on him. Even Christmas made him moody and pouty. If you met him, you'd think he was great, funny, outgoing, the life of the party. People would say to me, oh fun it must be to be married to Jeff! Yes. It was a 24 hour a day party. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. I started going with him when i was 15 and for a really long time i saw him through those teenage eyes. Finally the alcoholism and the drug use and the physical and mental abuse scared me enough to take my children and go.
I'm great now, five years of therapy and marriage to a good man who makes me laugh in the right way. My children have nothing to do with him now as adults and he has no friends because he was never a friend himself.
Oh well, tough shit.
Whew. Glad you got out.