I wasn't fooled by "View of river if you stand on toilet and twist to look through upper left 1/8 of window when all the trees are bare."
Was fooled by "Water in the basement has never been a problem." (Doesn't mean what you thought she said.)
Didn't realize "Tear out the kitchen ceiling and have a lovely cathedral view of the barn's beams above" was true because the kitchen is The Middle Territory to raccoons, mice, squirrels, and others, and last winter to a porcupine who spent it peacefully under the kitchen floor.
Or that "Lovely view of Dick's garden from the pantry" is because Dick, an angry, misogynistic, incessant gardener later sent to jail, had a survey done to show he owns the side of your house.
BUT, buying that house also meant I lucked into buying a vacant lot/swimming spot on the river for a song that has now grown into bird habitat.
The ones here where 25% of photos are slightly different angles of mysterious part of the same shed (fence?) on the edge of a crazy tilted triangle of overgrown yard
So true. The strangest experience is going through a house with many, many of the same tchotchkes / collectibles that we have. (Maybe they’re the same pieces we sold at our last garage sale.)
I’m laughing to keep from crying because this is funny, but it’s true. We also kinda want to move, but last time we looked a realtor showed us a “perfect midcentury gem with a huge addition” in which one wall of the primary bedroom was a sliding glass patio door from which we had a fabulous view of...the family room?!?
This is delightful, I had to change profession from R.E. sales for these very examples, I could not sell a home I didn't like and although I love architecture and design that isn't what the market holds for most in the FHA range!
You had me going from “as they fill the space between us like an unstoppable lava flow from a still active volcano” to the “may contain alcohol” t-shirt. Now, I’m ready
for the sequel where we are asked to match Allison, Theresa, and Matt with their respective business card head shot photos.
Why look at the houses IRL? Pick your platform... Zillow, Realtor, Street Easy, House Hunters on HGTBV, a multitude of others... and join me in my favorite obsession: longingly studying Real Estate Porn.
I found a city - a real city! that has a plethora of outstanding, amazing older homes, and the close in suburbs have fabulous new homes, and then there are the cottages by the lake! And the prices?? So cheap. I cry everytime I realize if these houses were in Brooklyn, you'd have to add three zeros to the last number. And I'm not ready to buy. I need another year to 18 months. So seeing amazing houses that I am not going to possess is... unrequited lust. My Real Estate Porn obsession for homes in this one particular city is so intense that I spent five days there last month to see if I could live there. My fear though is what if all the really great homes there get bought up before I'm ready to buy?
My compassion for you is large. I understand your pain. May I suggest the adrenaline high, yet sweetly soothing effect of Real Estate Porn.
your writing makes me want to write as well so i can imitate you. Badly of course, but perhaps with iwth enough reflected humor to please my editor
Thanks. That's a nice thing to hear. Not so much the imitating part...but definitely the part about writing!
You're welcome, and....sincerest form, after all.
The house I bought
I wasn't fooled by "View of river if you stand on toilet and twist to look through upper left 1/8 of window when all the trees are bare."
Was fooled by "Water in the basement has never been a problem." (Doesn't mean what you thought she said.)
Didn't realize "Tear out the kitchen ceiling and have a lovely cathedral view of the barn's beams above" was true because the kitchen is The Middle Territory to raccoons, mice, squirrels, and others, and last winter to a porcupine who spent it peacefully under the kitchen floor.
Or that "Lovely view of Dick's garden from the pantry" is because Dick, an angry, misogynistic, incessant gardener later sent to jail, had a survey done to show he owns the side of your house.
BUT, buying that house also meant I lucked into buying a vacant lot/swimming spot on the river for a song that has now grown into bird habitat.
Yikes. The funniest thing I see continually is when 50% or more of the photos of what is for sale are sunsets.
The ones here where 25% of photos are slightly different angles of mysterious part of the same shed (fence?) on the edge of a crazy tilted triangle of overgrown yard
All cash, no inspection, AND a 20 day escrow! What could possibly go wrong? (A couple of hundred thousand dollars in repairs later....)
So true. The strangest experience is going through a house with many, many of the same tchotchkes / collectibles that we have. (Maybe they’re the same pieces we sold at our last garage sale.)
Sometimes I get so distracted looking at the framed photos on the piano that I forget I am looking at a room that is tilted at a 45 degree angle.
Wait a minute..was that a pink toilet? SOLD
Haaaa
I’m laughing to keep from crying because this is funny, but it’s true. We also kinda want to move, but last time we looked a realtor showed us a “perfect midcentury gem with a huge addition” in which one wall of the primary bedroom was a sliding glass patio door from which we had a fabulous view of...the family room?!?
To say nothing of the giant gun safe that took up half the living room.
Great features. Reminds me a bit of this classic episode of Dick Van Dyke: (starts at 4:17) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bFyMSpBzRE
“Another, comedy writer?”
“No, that’s a funny dentist”
This is delightful, I had to change profession from R.E. sales for these very examples, I could not sell a home I didn't like and although I love architecture and design that isn't what the market holds for most in the FHA range!
Its the only arena besides fine art where the solution to every problem seems to be "Paint!"
You had me going from “as they fill the space between us like an unstoppable lava flow from a still active volcano” to the “may contain alcohol” t-shirt. Now, I’m ready
for the sequel where we are asked to match Allison, Theresa, and Matt with their respective business card head shot photos.
Why look at the houses IRL? Pick your platform... Zillow, Realtor, Street Easy, House Hunters on HGTBV, a multitude of others... and join me in my favorite obsession: longingly studying Real Estate Porn.
I found a city - a real city! that has a plethora of outstanding, amazing older homes, and the close in suburbs have fabulous new homes, and then there are the cottages by the lake! And the prices?? So cheap. I cry everytime I realize if these houses were in Brooklyn, you'd have to add three zeros to the last number. And I'm not ready to buy. I need another year to 18 months. So seeing amazing houses that I am not going to possess is... unrequited lust. My Real Estate Porn obsession for homes in this one particular city is so intense that I spent five days there last month to see if I could live there. My fear though is what if all the really great homes there get bought up before I'm ready to buy?
My compassion for you is large. I understand your pain. May I suggest the adrenaline high, yet sweetly soothing effect of Real Estate Porn.
Good luck.