Narcissists Say the Darndest Things

A funnish group participation game.

As things continue to be so much more tense politically than many of us can cope with (by ‘many of us’ I mean MEEEEE) I thought I would offer a relief valve via a chance to play a little game I invented.

Last December I posted a piece here that was originally published about 20 years ago in the magazine Real Simple after they asked me to write about ‘a life lesson.’ In reviewing all my so-called ‘life lessons’, this was the one that had turned on the biggest light for me. And it only happened because a therapist I was seeing gave me a few books to read that she thought applied to my situation. She was very, very right.

The piece I wrote was called “Enough about you. My explanation of narcissism.” and ever since I first published it, a lot of people seem to have used it as a gateway drug to the TONS of more carefully researched books for sale on the topic at any book outlet. Type the word narcissism into any search engine and BEHOLD!

SPOILER ALERT: I am not a trained psychologist. I am barely a trained writer. Most of my expertise in this area began when I was embedded, in early childhood, with a mother that was regularly blasting this kind of incomprehensible behavior my way. Plus a very informal poll I have been taking ever since, has proved to me that a great many people who turn to humor as a field of endeavor had a mommy (and/or occasionally a daddy) with this disorder.

The point is that narcissistic malignancy is EVERYWHERE. You are surrounded by people who start out seeming normal to you but in fact have this common inscrutable and manipulative personality disorder that makes them only human-behavior-adjacent. That is because narcissism comes with it’s own separate set of logical conclusions and marching orders. I explain it to the best of my ability here. Until you understand how that parallel universe of behavior without-empathy-for-others works, you will be perpetually confused by the unexpected reactions you find yourself unable to avoid with this type of person. A famous clue to the disorder is explosive rage that seems to come out of nowhere. That’s because they seesaw between only two emotions: humiliation/rage and grandeur. How were you supposed to know you would always be triggering one of them somehow?

There are many, many narcissists. Of course, all areas of entertainment and public life are full of them. Prepare to be drowning in narcissistic babble whenever the heads of the current administration are being televised. But I am sorry to inform you that there may be just as many of them at your barbecue or working in the Amazon warehouse. The good news is that their behavioral patterns are consistent with each other…no matter what their status. Being around them is a little like a live version of ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers.’ That also means you can learn to recognize what you are seeing in time to quickly change your reactions and your expectations. (You will also learn, unfortunately, that there is nothing to be done about narcissists except avoid them. They almost never change. They don’t need to. They are already perfect.(The idea that the political world keeps imagining that a 78 year old president has ‘change’ in him would only be funny if it was in a satirical play or movie.)

A conveniently worded and very amusing shortcut to understanding the inner workings of the narcissistic syndrome is “I’m the piece of shit the world revolves around.”

Unfortunately, since I first published the afore mentioned piece (in Real Simple in the early 2000’s and then last year here on substack) we have all been forced to watch, on a daily basis, a certain powerful, influential, reality-show-star-casino owner-meat-salesman-turned-monarch dominate multiple headlines daily by proudly exhibiting all the various symptoms of this disorder in the most extreme and breathtaking way imaginable. His version is so extreme that I think it probably can’t be classified only as simple malignant narcissism without adding on the word sociopathy. (which, as I understand it, is kind of a more extreme version of the same disorder. Ditto psychopathy.)

Once you have done enough reading to graduate to the “Okay, now I kinda get it” phase of your ‘studies’, you may find yourself looking backward thru your life, marveling at the ridiculous crap that has been raining down upon you from narcissists, un-interpreted and un-comprehended. (As well as growing punchy from the amount of unlabeled narcissists you begin to identify all around you.)

Congratulations. Now you are eligible to play my new game which I am calling “Narcissists Say the Darndest Things” The title is a throwback to when I was a child, and there was a terrible recurring segment on a daily afternoon talk show called ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’ in which a skeevy but cheery male host would pepper a little panel of kids with adorable questions. And then the audience would applaud them for their naive and nutty wisdom. (No studies were available about how many of those children are still twitching from the experience or else have become narcissists.)

What I am hoping to do here is offer a similar forum to help us all become hyper-aware of how narcissistic content sounds. As I am sure you know, the American political system is doing its best to drown us all in a riptide of crazy* during this particularly treacherous presidential punishment. It’s important to emerge sane.

*I am not even going to bother to quote you-know-who’s narcissistic remarks because there is nothing that comes out of his mouth that doesn’t qualify. Nothing. For that stuff, check in with the url on this video.

THE GAME: Insane remarks said to you by a narcissist.

Have you had some mind-boggling experience navigating a narcissist? Do you, like me, have a list of jaw dropping greatest hits? Narcissists can be amazingly quotable. And I, for one, would like to hear the best of your quotes.

What do I mean? I’ll start us out with a personal example.

When I decided to try for employment as a writer, I moved to Los Angeles with a pile of “spec scripts” I had been laboring over. The night before I embarked on that nerve wracking drive from the SF bay area, I slept over at my parent’s house. At some point in that final evening, my mother asked me if she could read one of my scripts. I stupidly agreed because it was that or leave on my trip with my mother mad at me. So I paced and paced while she sat in the living room, staring with no facial expression. She sat there, reading and turning the pages, not making a sound until she was finished. Then she looked up at me with that blank non-expression I most associate with her.“Well,” she said, “ I don’t happen to care for it. But I pray I’m wrong.” Then she got up and started to make dinner.

Naturally I was devastated. Whatever confidence I had went spiraling down the drain. But I continued with my plans to drive down to LA the next day because my car was already packed. (And btw, her prayers were answered. A few weeks later, I did in fact get work as a writer.)

Cut to: my middle 30’s. I had, at this point, been employed for 10 years as a writer. My mother asked if she could see a television pilot I had just finished writing/directing and sometimes starring in. I had already turned it in to my employers, and was nervously awaiting their ‘notes’. I hadn’t planned to show any of it to my mother but now I was in the old ‘between a rock and a hard place’. If I didn’t show it to her, I would never hear the end of it. On the other hand, I REALLY didn’t want to hear her disapproving list of critical remarks. Especially since there was nothing more that could be done. It had been turned in. So, under advisement from a shrink, I responded “Alright, mother, I will show it to you. But only if you first agree not to offer any criticism. Even if you hate it, just smile and nod and say “That’s very nice, dear. Good job. Lie to me. Do you agree to the terms?”

My mother was aghast. Her face got red. Then she turned to me and said “I’m not allowed to criticize you? If I can’t criticize you, what are we supposed to talk about? The weather?” “Yes.” I replied, “The weather would be a much better topic.” That made her even angrier. BTW this is a good example of how dealing with a narcissist is often a no-win situation. That’s because what a narcissist is trying to do, in every situation, is provoke a loaded emotional response…even if it is negative. Because that means they are in control. and control is everything. And an provoked emotional response from you is known as “narcissistic supply.” Sometimes called ‘fuel’. For more like this, go read the books. It’s complex stuff to try and explain.

Before I shut up, here’s an example someone else told me that I never forgot: This person decided to confess to her mother something painful that happened when she was a child. She had been molested and was keeping it a secret. So she worked up her courage and finally spat it out. At which point her mother looked at her and said “Oh my God! Do you think I was?”

But back to this so-called “game” which, I must remind you, we are playing in the interest of turning ourselves into more astute narcissism spotters. It’s a little like bird-watching only much more depressing and alarming.

To join in this game, answer this question: ‘What amazingly quotable insane shit did a narcissist say to you?'

I will shut up now and see if anyone decides to play along.

(AFTERWARD: As a rule, this substack page is NOT a page about narcissism. I am a comedy writer. That is mostly what you will find here. So DO NOT subscribe to this page hoping to learn all about narcissism. That will just lead to crushing disappointment for you and you of all people DO NOT NEED IT. Instead let Mr. Google and his wife Siri assist you in finding some of the many many people online who DO offer this service, ad nauseum. I am mentioning this because whenever I talk about narcissism, I get a bunch of new subscribers who are then disappointed when, the next time they check, I have written a piece about talking dogs. Or squirrels. Or shoes. Or potato salad. And the LAST thing I want to do is disappoint a bunch of insight-seeking-people I’ve never met. So please understand that this page will continue to be a veritable font of goofy. Thank you. The Management

PS. If you are still craving more remarks by narcissists, (as I expect you may) I played this game on my website (when I still maintained a website.) And the remarks really piled up over the years. For extra fun, I invite you to feast on the 745 mind boggling remarks by narcissists available on merrillmarkoe.com.

If you are looking for how this applies to a particular political candidate, look no farther. This is perfect. So is this,