Oh boy. Fire: Waiting to hear if we have to evacuate. (NOW w a 2nd UPDATE)

Distracting myself by writing this to YOU. Yes, YOU. Stop making that face .

I know this is a poor excuse for a substack entry. I have a much better one only half finished. About my new job as a fictional character. And I will finish it just as soon as I am allowed to stop worrying about this fire

I started getting “evacuation warnings.” in the middle of Monday night. It’s not that easy to write under these circumstances.

That is because I continue to live in the so-called “city” of Malibu. Therefore I am waay more acquainted with the protocols of fire evacuation than anyone ever wanted to be. As I write this, there is a very big fire only a few miles from here. The sound of low flying ‘super scooper’ aircraft heading for the ocean to pickup more water to dump on the flames is constant.

The only good news is that I didn’t have to get up and pack because my husband and I both had already packed the last time we heard about a fire in the middle of the night, a few weeks ago. And yes, there are a lot of situations like this in Southern California. Malibu has a terrible long history of them.

Some resolve fairly quickly, but the jury is out on this one. It appears to be very large and uncontained. Though on the bright side, there is no wind at all in my neighborhood today. That has got to be a good thing.

I have already written ad nauseum about the bizarre catharsis I have every time we have a fire evacuations. In 2018 we had to camp out at a friend’s empty rental property for 23 days. In fact, if you are a glutton for punishment, you can read about some of my greatest fire evacuation hits right here.

After that little adventure, I vowed to move. And yet I am still here.

Meanwhile, I thought I would take this opportunity to try to distract and amuse myself (and maybe YOU. But you know YOU. Not so easy to amuse these days, are you. And I, for one, can’t blame you.)

So let’s review this growing pile of “amusing” photos I have been taking as I try to use up the food in my kitchen, lest it spoil if I have to leave home for a while. Everywhere I look, the packaging to trying to make me feel better about something. Not sure what.

How could I fail to be moved by these cheery, helpful messages from tender, warm-hearted corporations who want very much to develop a more personal relationship with me, the consumer.

Of all the neurotoxins, I would have to say that Splenda and I have the closest and warmest relationship.

Then there is this company, striving to “change things for the better one chickpea at a time.” I guess they mean well. Though one chickpea at a time might be a little slower than is called for in the current political climate.

True, “tastes good”: and “do good” CAN, in fact, be in the same sentence but I am proud to say that is not a sentence i will ever write. I guess the very fact that I bought this product is punishment enough

Seriously, I am disgusted with myself that I spent money on something that says “Flavor Your Mind.” And yet I did. Its almost as upsetting as the fact that my city is on fire,.

All of this goose bump inducing advertising copy and cringe-filled language is the payback I get for trying to ‘eat healthy’. I am ashamed at what I tolerate in the name of good health.

Someone at the advertising agency should have just said NO to this ad campaign. And here I went and reinforced their awful instincts. What can I say except I am sorry.

Ditto this . When I bought this fruit snack, and I saw the words TRUE and FRUIT, it didn’t occur to me that I was buying the fruit-snack version of a tribute band. Like Led-Zepagain. Or Ozz-mania. It’s not fruit. It’s fruit inspired! As close as you can get to fruit without being fruit.

I was also a little surprised to run into the following touching display of unexpected affection when I opened my refrigerator.

Such a big-hearted gesture from Cyanococcus (genus Vaccinium) who are not, as a rule, known for overt displays of affection.

Which brings us to this pit-stop at one of my amusing cemetery photos. Here is my best one.

Up next, here’s a photo I took at an exhibit of ancient art at The Getty that offers proof that the “protectors of women” have been a terrifying and suspect group since at least 30 BC.

What else can I show you?

This is a little bit interesting: My first ever published piece of writing. A cautionary tale written by me, in fourth or fifth grade and published in The Letters to the Editor section of Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine (maybe around 1960 ) beside a photo I took of my brother.

.Well…it’s 6 PM here. The sun is setting as we come to the close of a terrifying, tension filled day. Will I have to pack up and leave tonight? Who knows?

Plus I missed another day on the set, in my new career as a fictional character. All the roads were closed. I couldn’t get out.

But at the moment, there’s still no wind in my neighborhood. I hope that continues.

Meanwhile, I wish Joe Strummer were here to advise us:

Have a good evening. And if you had plans to visit Malibu, wait a few weeks.

UPDATE 1.

We never did evacuate the premises. We stuck it out.Most of the people on my block stayed and I think all of us were veteran evacuees who had come to the same conclusion: There is usually a lot of leg-room between “You should think seriously about leaving” and “Get out! Now!”

There is some containment of the fire finally. Power has been restored. (Or as my mortal enemy Southern California Electric put it just now in a bulletin: “Winds have improved enough for us to restore power in your area but because high winds are still forecast through Wednesday afternoon, we may have to shut off your power again” (And by ‘improved enough’ I guess they are referring to the winds we have right now which are non-existent.)

(My serious empathy and deep best wishes to the 15 families who lost all or part of their homes.)

Anyway, I think we (as in me and the old ball and chain and our two outstanding dogs) may have passed through the worst of it, unharmed …at least to the extent that we have now got room to pay attention to the other awful real-world stuff that awaits.

Thank you for helping me distract myself from fire. I will now go finish the hopefully better piece I was writing.

UPDATE PART 2:

They have begun “repopulating” Malibu and the fire is 30% contained. Considering there has been no wind locally, this must be one impossible fire to beat into submission. Meanwhile, our corporate friends at Southern California Electric (SCE) continue to be incredibly helpful. Even though they are VERY EXPENSIVE and have NO (0) public e-mails or phone numbers available for use by any of their customers, should they have something they need to communicate with their power over-lords, they continue to be very helpful. This morning I received this:

Just look at this contemplative and well-intended couple, discussing their options after they have learned they will be without power for an unspecified number of days. We can’t see her face (because we can see HIS face, and after all…isn’t THAT what matters?) but we can see that her jaw isn’t hanging down, which means that neither of these two are overly concerned because the SCE bulletin they have just received has assured them that SCE is offering them “BACK UP POWER PROGRAMS! “If you need to operate small household appliances, electronic devices, or even your garage door during a PSPS outage,” SCE explains patiently ”our backup power programs can help you and your family "power on" while the power is off.”

Great! Except that when you click the link to “our back up power programs” (not once, but 5 different times) this is what you discover is being provided for you by SCE, at no additional monthly cost to you, the consumer.

Anyway….It’s a nice day today. Fire is 30% contained. So we move ONWARD.