Oh, do I know the feeling. You captured it. I once did a reading to a group of emertus professor wives. Poetry. A lovely lunch, with cloth napkins folded in a fan on everyone's plate. The host next to me, was baffled by how the napkin could have been fold so beautifully. Having been in food service, I quickly show her how. Moments later, my introduction given, I began my poetry reading. The assembled guests focused on napkin folding. One leading another in a cascade of fancy hospitality. I think my poems went over as well as could be expected. / So glad we had a swell crowd for you at Thurber House.
The Thurber House was always great. Gotta say.... I am seeing a one man show in your future....where you fold napkins and read poetry at the same time.
OH MY GOD I am CRINGING with horror by proxy. MM this is just so hilarious. However if I was younger than you (I am not), and a student in Louisiana instead of Berkeley (I was not), I WOULD SO HAVE BEEN THERE!!!* love PP/CC
What a horrifyingly delightful (delightfully horrifying?) essay to read. Thank you. I so love all your writing.
After reading about your experience(s), a thought occurred to me. I'm an Episcopal priest, so not surprisingly, the thought I had is based on an insight about Christian prayer that someone once shared with me.
Once I had been asked to pray for someone who was to have surgery a few days later. I called the person who asked me to pray a few days after the surgery, and in the conversation I admitted that I had forgotten to pray for that person the day of their surgery, but had done so the day after and the day after that -- which was the day we were talking.
This person said, "that's okay, John, no worries -- God doesn't have time." And what she meant by that is NOT "God can't be bothered/doesn't have THE time to listen to prayers" -- she meant "God does not POSSESS time; God does not exist IN time, but rather is beyond it" ...and so, she said, it didn't make any difference when I prayed for this person, because God is/was perfectly capable of retroactively applying my prayer (should God need to, that's another matter entirely) to before the surgery.
Long and somewhat obscure story, I realize, so if you're still with me I'll get to the thought that occurred to me after reading this:
You now have thousands of subscribers and probably tens of thousands of readers (of this essay alone), and since readers and writers also exist outside the time/space continuum, arguably both those rooms you described -- the bookstore in the early 2000's and the cafetorium in Lafayette -- are standing room only with lines around the block. Right now.
Thank you for your lovely thoughts.(Also probably no need to mention to God that you definitely meant well when you said I had thousands of subscribers.)
Oh Merrill. This is mortifying. However it is beyond hilarious! If the experience gave you the inspiration to write this, I’d say it was worth the trip. This is classic Markoe and it doesn’t get any better. You are the funniest.
It a little bit reminded me of the time I went to a book signing in SF. It was Amy Tan and me. She had a long long line and there wasn’t a line for me. Someone put a potted plant on the table in front of me. What a relief. I hid behind it.
Amy was very gracious I was honored to be sitting next to her. Very happy memory.
This is how bad the book business is: I read your story about nobody showing up at a reading and think, "Boy, those were the days! Publishers set up readings for you." I am still sorry I was not able to show up in person for an interview you did a million years ago for the Times Home section and it had to be limited to a phoner. But you gave great phone. https://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/garden/qa-the-comedy-writer-merrill-markoe.html.
If empty book signings are the 8th circle of hell, what the hell is in the 9th circle? I, having been to the 8th circle a few times, do not want to find out.
It does seem to be something of a rite of passage that writers must endure such humiliation. Glad that your Career Day talk was at least some well-paid humiliation. I think my favorite disastrous author event (and I've had a few!) was the one where the bookstore mistakenly forgot to order my book. So, people actually did show up for that one, but alas, I didn't sell any of my books that night.
My favorite story that happened to someone else is the time that two people slid in to the mostly empty seats while the author was talking. Then after the talk, when the audience had left, a couple of police officers showed up with a few questions for the author. Turned out, two thieves had used her empty audience seats as a place to hide during a chase knowing it was a place no one would look for them.
“Kurt Vonnegut said about how “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” Plus definitely quote Mark Twain on how successful books are made out of what's left out. After that, we would do Q and A.”
Well you now have had an audience of 42 to just a wee column and thousands who would gladly have attended the treasure you prepared. Slap it down here! I want that lecture!
What if our real audience is mostly hidden?
Life’s a dang mystery. Loving reading you. Now pass the moisturizer.
Oh, do I know the feeling. You captured it. I once did a reading to a group of emertus professor wives. Poetry. A lovely lunch, with cloth napkins folded in a fan on everyone's plate. The host next to me, was baffled by how the napkin could have been fold so beautifully. Having been in food service, I quickly show her how. Moments later, my introduction given, I began my poetry reading. The assembled guests focused on napkin folding. One leading another in a cascade of fancy hospitality. I think my poems went over as well as could be expected. / So glad we had a swell crowd for you at Thurber House.
The Thurber House was always great. Gotta say.... I am seeing a one man show in your future....where you fold napkins and read poetry at the same time.
I hope I don't have nightmares tonight!
OH MY GOD I am CRINGING with horror by proxy. MM this is just so hilarious. However if I was younger than you (I am not), and a student in Louisiana instead of Berkeley (I was not), I WOULD SO HAVE BEEN THERE!!!* love PP/CC
*you know, for the gift basket drawing hahaha
What a horrifyingly delightful (delightfully horrifying?) essay to read. Thank you. I so love all your writing.
After reading about your experience(s), a thought occurred to me. I'm an Episcopal priest, so not surprisingly, the thought I had is based on an insight about Christian prayer that someone once shared with me.
Once I had been asked to pray for someone who was to have surgery a few days later. I called the person who asked me to pray a few days after the surgery, and in the conversation I admitted that I had forgotten to pray for that person the day of their surgery, but had done so the day after and the day after that -- which was the day we were talking.
This person said, "that's okay, John, no worries -- God doesn't have time." And what she meant by that is NOT "God can't be bothered/doesn't have THE time to listen to prayers" -- she meant "God does not POSSESS time; God does not exist IN time, but rather is beyond it" ...and so, she said, it didn't make any difference when I prayed for this person, because God is/was perfectly capable of retroactively applying my prayer (should God need to, that's another matter entirely) to before the surgery.
Long and somewhat obscure story, I realize, so if you're still with me I'll get to the thought that occurred to me after reading this:
You now have thousands of subscribers and probably tens of thousands of readers (of this essay alone), and since readers and writers also exist outside the time/space continuum, arguably both those rooms you described -- the bookstore in the early 2000's and the cafetorium in Lafayette -- are standing room only with lines around the block. Right now.
Thank you for sharing your gift.
Thank you for your lovely thoughts.(Also probably no need to mention to God that you definitely meant well when you said I had thousands of subscribers.)
I think any of us would have taken YOU to dinner.
Speechless. But you did get a great piece out of it and lots of compassion, empathy and laughs that you well deserved!
Nora EPhron was right. Everything is copy.
Oh Merrill. This is mortifying. However it is beyond hilarious! If the experience gave you the inspiration to write this, I’d say it was worth the trip. This is classic Markoe and it doesn’t get any better. You are the funniest.
It a little bit reminded me of the time I went to a book signing in SF. It was Amy Tan and me. She had a long long line and there wasn’t a line for me. Someone put a potted plant on the table in front of me. What a relief. I hid behind it.
Amy was very gracious I was honored to be sitting next to her. Very happy memory.
Merrill,
This is how bad the book business is: I read your story about nobody showing up at a reading and think, "Boy, those were the days! Publishers set up readings for you." I am still sorry I was not able to show up in person for an interview you did a million years ago for the Times Home section and it had to be limited to a phoner. But you gave great phone. https://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/garden/qa-the-comedy-writer-merrill-markoe.html.
Horrible but fun to read
If empty book signings are the 8th circle of hell, what the hell is in the 9th circle? I, having been to the 8th circle a few times, do not want to find out.
Ninth circle is a full book signing but everyone attending was under the impression that Alex Jones was going to make an appearance.
Hahahha!!! See? That right there is why we love Merrill!
Good one. You got me.
They have no idea what they missed. You are the BEST... and we all love you.
Probably because you make us laugh... is that reason enough to love someone?
YES YES a thousand times YES
Aww. THanks Triple D.
Thank you for sharing this experience, Merrill. To hear you speak, I would show up early, without expecting deodorant or moisturizer.
Haaa. I would have taken you to dinner.
It does seem to be something of a rite of passage that writers must endure such humiliation. Glad that your Career Day talk was at least some well-paid humiliation. I think my favorite disastrous author event (and I've had a few!) was the one where the bookstore mistakenly forgot to order my book. So, people actually did show up for that one, but alas, I didn't sell any of my books that night.
My favorite story that happened to someone else is the time that two people slid in to the mostly empty seats while the author was talking. Then after the talk, when the audience had left, a couple of police officers showed up with a few questions for the author. Turned out, two thieves had used her empty audience seats as a place to hide during a chase knowing it was a place no one would look for them.
Fantastic! 👍🏼
Haha, wow.
I have to stop reading this right at the moment when the 2nd girl speaks, and come here and beg that this did not really happen.
For that answer, you will have to contact the incredibly moist girl who won the gift basket.
“Kurt Vonnegut said about how “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.” Plus definitely quote Mark Twain on how successful books are made out of what's left out. After that, we would do Q and A.”
Well you now have had an audience of 42 to just a wee column and thousands who would gladly have attended the treasure you prepared. Slap it down here! I want that lecture!
What if our real audience is mostly hidden?
Life’s a dang mystery. Loving reading you. Now pass the moisturizer.