If your agent hasn’t already approached you with the idea of having Hologram Merrill licensed to give this talk at every Freshman Orientation in the land, kinda like Abba but you’re perched atop the Berkeley acetylene tanks, he/she/they are not helping you reach your full frontal lobular potential.
In 2013 the famous George Saunders delivered the commencement speech to graduates at Syracuse University. It was about 'Failures of Kindness'. When I read it, I thought it was the most amazing commencement speech. I am reconsidering. 😁 (I'm whispering this because George is on Substack...)
I had a Catholic girlhood and I do believe that a lot of blame for training young girls to say "Yes" can be laid at the feet of the religious patriarchy. Yes to attending a Jesus-freak meeting. Yes to getting into a vehicle with strangers. Yes to getting manhandled. The religious patriarchy will use things like immature frontal lobes to their own ends, the main one of which is to rake in lots of money. Next, create more humans so they can keep raking in lots of money. Then, pay no taxes so they can keep all that money for themselves. Lastly but not leastly, involve themselves in politics because their money buys them what they want.
Well Darlin you definitely LOOKED SO COOL! If nothing else thr “look” was perfect for my one year of college. What I would like to add to the BAD list - getting married at a very young age…..
✌🏻 I am happy to be of service! 😂 the body part that is the problem is just a bit lower but yes the brain CAN override if the frontal lobe is connected!
I look forward to your stories- you are always hilarious! ✌🏻
You are a genius in all ways. And "If you suspect you don’t know what you are doing, you are fooling no one. So for God’s sake, don’t do it harder." is so damn funny.
You do need to give this speech at college graduations. It’s brilliant. And funny! But will they get it without their frontal lobes being connected?
A bunch of people I knew in college and I all thought point number 9 - the treachery of cool 😎 was the way to fortune if not fame and fortune. After all, we lived in NYC and most quiz shows were taped here in those days. Upon graduation, we started taking the tests to get on the shows, then passing the tests, then being interviewed to show we had personality and could converse with the host, then going on the show(s) and making a good bit of money to fund grad school. It was better than a nine to five gig. 😎 I guess if then were now, we’d be on “Love is Blind” instead of “Sale of the Century,” “Jackpot,” “Password” and “Jeopardy.”
That is amazing and pretty great about the game shows. I met someone else once who put himself thru school that way. I hope you have written about it...or are planning to.
It may take me a couple of weeks but I will write about it. After all I love “performing it” - telling the story. And the Jeopardy part 😂! But I’m thinking that your Graduation Speech is the beginning - if I would like to quote it directly, no changes or edits, I would reach out to you for permission. It’s a great set up.
Great piece and brought back memories of the fun working with you on your pieces on NNTN. You've always been one of my favorite writers! Hope our paths cross and I can tell you that in person.
This needs to be given out to graduating high school students (who might not immediately dismiss it because they're enjoying reading it so much). I wish I could sneak it into the school paper!
High school kids really REALLY do not want to hear any of this. Actually think how different the coming-of-age memoirs would be if people listened to this stuff.
Thank you! I haven’t written about it and you have given me the idea to write something on substack other than comments. More on this later today after I get some 💤… but really thank you !
Yes, this really is brilliant my dear friend, Merrill. You and I graduated from the same university in the same year, right? As I recall, a number of graduates went naked under their robes. I won’t ask if you did. I didn’t. I skipped the whole thing and went hiking on Mt. Tam and ate cheese sandwiches with my mom and dad. How cool was I?
Merrill, thank you for reminding me about consequences. I am getting a grip on that.
This morning, after reading your graduation speech, I stopped short of stuffing my 2’ x 12’ Ralph Lauren runner rug into the washing machine. I don’t even like the damn thing. It’s awful! Think. Think. Would it be worth breaking a nice Maytag front loader washer to see if washing a rug makes it look better? No! The pattern is the problem. Consequences. Right? Sheesh! Use your head!
Haa. I think I graduated a year or two later than you. I also didn't go to that graduation. I figured I didnt know most of the people in the class so what was the point. But I since have been to both my nephews graduations so apparently there IS a point. I just couldn't locate it. After the bad luck I had with HS graduation where my family didnt show up because I wore the wrong shoes. No to putting a rug in the washing machine. Yes to a brush and a hose.
Oh my gosh, I was a bit into this post when I recalled afresh its title and cackled out loud.
Second, I was asked a couple months back to write my niece going off to college a letter of advice. And if I this had existed then, I’d have just forwarded it to her and called it the best advice I ever gave.
And the importance of training yourself to love learning new things--brilliant.
But learning everything about everything in college COULD lead you to a high-paying newspaper copy-editing job that will last as long as, um, newspapers. (You spelled "brake" wrong.)
If your agent hasn’t already approached you with the idea of having Hologram Merrill licensed to give this talk at every Freshman Orientation in the land, kinda like Abba but you’re perched atop the Berkeley acetylene tanks, he/she/they are not helping you reach your full frontal lobular potential.
Exactly!
In 2013 the famous George Saunders delivered the commencement speech to graduates at Syracuse University. It was about 'Failures of Kindness'. When I read it, I thought it was the most amazing commencement speech. I am reconsidering. 😁 (I'm whispering this because George is on Substack...)
I will have to go watch it! (I am whispering because...um...because there is no one here but me.)
haha.
I love your writing.💚
I am so glad. Thank you.
I had a Catholic girlhood and I do believe that a lot of blame for training young girls to say "Yes" can be laid at the feet of the religious patriarchy. Yes to attending a Jesus-freak meeting. Yes to getting into a vehicle with strangers. Yes to getting manhandled. The religious patriarchy will use things like immature frontal lobes to their own ends, the main one of which is to rake in lots of money. Next, create more humans so they can keep raking in lots of money. Then, pay no taxes so they can keep all that money for themselves. Lastly but not leastly, involve themselves in politics because their money buys them what they want.
Well Darlin you definitely LOOKED SO COOL! If nothing else thr “look” was perfect for my one year of college. What I would like to add to the BAD list - getting married at a very young age…..
That falls under "Dont make any decisions before your frontal lobe hooks up." But you are correct: I should add that. In fact I think I will. Thanks.
✌🏻 I am happy to be of service! 😂 the body part that is the problem is just a bit lower but yes the brain CAN override if the frontal lobe is connected!
I look forward to your stories- you are always hilarious! ✌🏻
I second this. Married at twenty?? WTF was I thinking?! Oh yeah, I wasn't.
Thank you, Merrill, for continuing to kill it. Each new post is the highlight of my day. 🥰
Aw Mendus. Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
You are a genius in all ways. And "If you suspect you don’t know what you are doing, you are fooling no one. So for God’s sake, don’t do it harder." is so damn funny.
Aw, that is so kind of you HGS. I really appreciate it.
You do need to give this speech at college graduations. It’s brilliant. And funny! But will they get it without their frontal lobes being connected?
A bunch of people I knew in college and I all thought point number 9 - the treachery of cool 😎 was the way to fortune if not fame and fortune. After all, we lived in NYC and most quiz shows were taped here in those days. Upon graduation, we started taking the tests to get on the shows, then passing the tests, then being interviewed to show we had personality and could converse with the host, then going on the show(s) and making a good bit of money to fund grad school. It was better than a nine to five gig. 😎 I guess if then were now, we’d be on “Love is Blind” instead of “Sale of the Century,” “Jackpot,” “Password” and “Jeopardy.”
That is amazing and pretty great about the game shows. I met someone else once who put himself thru school that way. I hope you have written about it...or are planning to.
Please see above! I’m in shock.
It may take me a couple of weeks but I will write about it. After all I love “performing it” - telling the story. And the Jeopardy part 😂! But I’m thinking that your Graduation Speech is the beginning - if I would like to quote it directly, no changes or edits, I would reach out to you for permission. It’s a great set up.
Great piece and brought back memories of the fun working with you on your pieces on NNTN. You've always been one of my favorite writers! Hope our paths cross and I can tell you that in person.
Wow, thanks. NNTN was such a fun job for me. They were letting me do whatever I wanted to do. Kind of amazing, looking back on it.
I still quote the restaurant piece and the line about not wanting the menu tattooed on some guys butt.
This needs to be given out to graduating high school students (who might not immediately dismiss it because they're enjoying reading it so much). I wish I could sneak it into the school paper!
High school kids really REALLY do not want to hear any of this. Actually think how different the coming-of-age memoirs would be if people listened to this stuff.
I know, it's true. I think anyone who does need to hear it simply wouldn't listen. And so the cycle continues!
Thank you! I haven’t written about it and you have given me the idea to write something on substack other than comments. More on this later today after I get some 💤… but really thank you !
'get back in touch when your frontal lobe connects'. Lol. Thanks for the laugh. Might be inspired to do a similar top mistakes of youth thing
Yes, this really is brilliant my dear friend, Merrill. You and I graduated from the same university in the same year, right? As I recall, a number of graduates went naked under their robes. I won’t ask if you did. I didn’t. I skipped the whole thing and went hiking on Mt. Tam and ate cheese sandwiches with my mom and dad. How cool was I?
Merrill, thank you for reminding me about consequences. I am getting a grip on that.
This morning, after reading your graduation speech, I stopped short of stuffing my 2’ x 12’ Ralph Lauren runner rug into the washing machine. I don’t even like the damn thing. It’s awful! Think. Think. Would it be worth breaking a nice Maytag front loader washer to see if washing a rug makes it look better? No! The pattern is the problem. Consequences. Right? Sheesh! Use your head!
Haa. I think I graduated a year or two later than you. I also didn't go to that graduation. I figured I didnt know most of the people in the class so what was the point. But I since have been to both my nephews graduations so apparently there IS a point. I just couldn't locate it. After the bad luck I had with HS graduation where my family didnt show up because I wore the wrong shoes. No to putting a rug in the washing machine. Yes to a brush and a hose.
Got it. Thanks, Merrill.
What were the shoes?!!! What was the problem?!?!
Oh my gosh, I was a bit into this post when I recalled afresh its title and cackled out loud.
Second, I was asked a couple months back to write my niece going off to college a letter of advice. And if I this had existed then, I’d have just forwarded it to her and called it the best advice I ever gave.
And the importance of training yourself to love learning new things--brilliant.
Thank you for this post, Merrill.
Aww. Thank you for liking it.
Delightful, thank you!😊🥂🍔 and with a look back, now at least, look both ways!
An artist looks back. Or an ottis, in Dylan argot.
Haa. I would have liked the song even better if it were an otter!
But learning everything about everything in college COULD lead you to a high-paying newspaper copy-editing job that will last as long as, um, newspapers. (You spelled "brake" wrong.)
Thanks!