TOASTING THE NEW YEAR

How We Improved 2023 with TOAST

Hello. And welcome to Toast Talk.

2023 saw the start of a delightful new tradition at my house.

Before I explain it, allow me to share a little of the origin story. Part of me thinks that it all may have started with the ad below, which we found posted on the internet.

It looks like it might be from the mid-sixties, when ad agencies were selling glamorous enchantment scenarios about pretty much everything. Although, speaking as someone who was alive and cognizant during the sixties, it is difficult for me to imagine a situation where two such glamorous people would find themselves glowing coquettishly beside a platter of TWELVE pieces of carefully sliced, and buttered white bread that have been carefully cantilevered into A TOWER OF TOAST!

By my count, there are twelve separate layers of toast.

What struck me,as I gazed intently at the photo, was that the moment that has been captured depicts two dazzling, sophisticated, people. She is elegant in her bejeweled sleeveless dress, and apparently recovered from having just spent a considerable amount of time setting, blowing out, teasing and spraying her glorious main of perfect hair in addition to skillfully applying multiple careful layers of every kind of eye-makeup. And now she has but one request to make of her fastidiously done up beau: that they hold off their departure for their evening-to-remember for just a few extra minutes while she runs into the kitchen and makes, then butters and symmetrically slices up TWELVE pieces of toast. “Perfect! That’s six pieces each,” she thinks to herself, nodding confidently as she pushes aside the idea that she may be putting them both at risk of getting buttery crumbs and grease stains all over their perfect evening wear. Consequences be damned, she thinks to herself, knowing it will be worth it to start the evening off right by enjoying ‘the cheapest luxury in the world.’ “Its the one luxury everyone can afford every day of the year!” she can almost hear an announcer saying somewhere. So she smiles to herself serenely as her system floods with endorphins from the relief of knowing ‘this luxurious treat will not break her budget.’

‘What makes you so sure SHE made the toast, Merrill?’ I can hear you asking, imagining your perspective will rattle me. But it does not. Because nothing anyone can say will ever convince me that the conventionally dressed man in this photo, in his immaculately pressed suit, white starched dress shirt, fastidiously ironed collar, and dark colored tie, went into any kitchen anywhere and made even one piece of buttered toast, then sliced it tidily into halves to be stacked artistically…let alone TWELVE!

Nope. Never would have happened. Not in this world or the next.

But back to my house. 2023.

The custom of eating toast at MY house started this past year and was, indeed, the creation of a male ‘chef’. (And by chef, I feel I should note that toast is the main entree on his menu.) It began one night at two A.M. when he came into the bedroom where I was already asleep and announced in his big deep voice. “We have toast.” Then he held up a plate containing the toast. It was not completely unlike this:

I sat up. Toast? I hadn’t thought of toast because it had been about six decades since I had last eaten toast . In a related story, during that entire time period I also never ate bread. And that is because starting at about the age of eight, I began counting calories and reading about diets. I was already conversant in the American girl’s constant credo of “I’m so fat,” no matter how little I weighed.

From that point on, I learned a ridiculous amount about dieting and weight loss by participating in each and every popular diet that descended upon the structure we laughingly refer to as “our culture.” These diets took on a variety of forms. Sometimes it was only eat fruit. Sometimes it was only eat protein. Sometimes it was eat fruit, then wait three hours, then only eat protein. Sometimes it was drink 8 glasses of water and consume your weight in celery. Sometimes it was stop eating altogether or only eat soup. I had a whole shelf of these diet books that I now see as essentially the same, each one replacing the one before it. Yet no matter which diet I was on, the one thing they all had in common was that I had to stop eating bread. Bread was verboten.

Looking back, it occurs to me now that these diets mostly made no real difference in my life except to deprive me of the best food in the known world: BREAD! And when a 2 A.M. TOAST RITUAL began to gain some traction in my home, I decided to throw off the shackles of my younger bread-deprived self once and for all.

It is because I am now toast positive, that when I look back on 2023, the year no longer seem like a total loss. Now, competing with and interrupting all the very disturbing images that flash through my memory, there is a pleasant parade of various toasts. And that is why I am suggesting that if you are looking for a New Year’s Resolution that you will be able to keep, why not consider incorporating a 2 AM toast ritual? No, it doesn’t HAVE to take place at 2 A.M. but, unless you work the graveyard shift somewhere, what else are you going to be doing at 2 A.M. except staring at the ceiling, worrying about not being able to fall back to sleep?

Toward this brighter tomorrow, allow me to now share my personal toast recipe.

I think you will find that the toast will come out great every time.(unless you set the air fryer or the toaster wrong somehow. And I am sorry to report, that will be on you.)

Summing up, as we now dance gaily into another new year, I hope I have convinced you to consider including some toast. Because once you’ve adjusted to the wonders of toast, you will find that the sky is the limit. You may even want to move on to this:

HAPPY NEW YEAR. And best of luck to us all.