I'm thrilled to have you on Team Toast. And we, too, use vegan butter. But we don't usually dress up, and isn't that the exciting part of toast? Dress up or down, toast is here for the par-tay. Just love it, like this post.
Toast Tray! You need a toast tray. After great food writer Liz Cook wrote about a toast tray, she gave it to me. I gave it to my friend Aviva, it is now with Jenny. Just absolutely wrecking relationships in its path.
I read her very funny piece.But the question I came away with mostly is WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THAT SILENT BUTLER? Yes, I know. Gracious living. but more specifically WHAT?
I had to google silent butler and then go look at the ad again. It looks like one of those bed warmer things, that you fill with hot coals and then try not to burn your house down while setting a metal bin of hot coals onto your very flammable quilts.
I ended up taking the tray from Liz. I couldn't help but write about it. Sorry to muck up the comment section with my own writing, but whatever.
Donald Trump ruined luxury. He brought it in, like a head upon a platter, and paraded it around for all to see just exactly what it was – pure selfishness. Every embellishment a nod to exploitation and exclusivity. Every best thing, trotted across the globe, ravishing the earth so that I, the most important person in the whole world, can enjoy this moment, just a little bit more than you, the plebian watching on the internet. Because luxury, and every vacation facebook post, and fancy dinner Instagram photo, and every ‘hey look at me’ is just another way to say, “Fuck You, pleb.” You are not in my club. You are not at my table. Luxury, as it were, is about you, the other, watching Me, The Man.
It's been a rough 6 years or whatever for fancy dinners. I used to be young. And now I am old. I have kids telling we what to eat. When thinking about going out to eat, my main concern is will it make my life easier. I have vague memories of eating at restaurants in NYC that cost more than $100 per person, of dressing up, of trekking to far flung locations to seek out something special. Of proudly proclaiming that I had found the best of something. Before Trump came in and showed me, the only story I was ever telling was, “hey, look at me, I’m rich!”
The last few years I have been consciously avoiding talking about where to shop and what to buy and how to buy it. I have been on the lookout for more commonly available experiences that can play the role of luxurious living. Mostly, I don’t do much. I just sort of sit around and resent income inequality and that everything is just another example of how selfishly exploitative our society is.
But now and then I see some food writing thing that says “Hey, here is something you can do that might be slightly more fun than your average day.” Chive Tea Latte anyone? Maybe a hot beef Sunday? I will see some food writing thing that reminds me that the goal is to get together with people and share food. That this basic activity is timeless and soul nourishing. And it is a Good Thing To Do. No angsty, postmodern, anti-capitalism qualifiers allowed. It’s Good to share food and experiences. It’s good to make fancy drinks to remind ourselves that there is more to it than numbing the mind to lessen the anxiety.
Which brings me to the point. Fancy Toast Party.
Never mind that the only reason I have a top hat is that I have an 8 year old son who wanted to show up his friends at school who wear fedoras. Never mind that I have tuxedo jacket because my look is hobo camp. And never mind that I don’t like to eat too much bread because I think it doesn’t help my digestion.
When someone offers a fancy toast set, you say yes. And yes, the best toast for the job is white toast. Yes because I already have jelly and butter and cream cheese. Yes because I’ve been meaning to get some preserves. Yes because a fancy toast set has dishes that require those things.
There are rules to a fancy toast party. First rule is that there can only be 4 pieces of toast, and the second rule is that you have to have enough butter, cream cheese, jelly and preserves for a loaf of bread. It’s the limits of the set.
I should have just used Aldi white bread, but I wanted to be fancy so I got a loaf of semolina bread from Blackhole Bakery – and I’m not going to feel bad about it. My sister happened to stop by right when I was planning to have the toast party with my kids. So it took a turn toward bourbon and brie cheese and an artichoke.
Some rules are meant to be broken. And to be honest, I’m just making the rules up anyway, right? Famous food writer Liz Cook gave me the set. It had belonged to her grandmother (or someone). She is the one who told me what the dishes were for. So maybe she was making up the rules. Or maybe her grandmother. (Or maybe someone.) Regardless, we ate fancy toast. We ate it with strawberry jelly. And apricot preserves. And cream cheese – softened cream cheese is good for artichokes too! We sat around the table. My kid took his toast to the couch. It was a good change of pace for a Tuesday evening. And I guess it’s fun to dress up and eat toast. Maybe it is a reminder that I don’t dress as much as I ought to. Should I have made choices to be on the country club set? I could work long hours and pay people to bring me fancy toast every afternoon. I digress.
We said our goodbyes and I carefully hand washed the fancy toast set. I brought it to my office so it wouldn’t be confused for a toy – the lightweight lids seem so dainty they might just slip away when you turn your back. I’m looking at it now. A reminder to have a little more fun when I eat. A jacket is not an obligation but an invitation to make a moment special.
Or maybe not.
Anyway, thanks Liz Cook for letting me use the fancy toast set. I encourage others to do the same.
Please do not forget toast points! For some who live in luxury, it’s not just the toast, but how it’s shaped.
And then there’s the crust. Or not!
And having studied those very same diet books, I stuck with the original Weight Watchers which permitted one slice of bread or toast at breakfast and two at lunch,
How many are we allowed at 2 AM?
Your pieces inspire a lot of deep thinking and that inspires lots of love and a happy, healthy and good New Yeat! 🥳
I do not know about Toast Points. What I have innovated is to cut the toast up into very thin strips, with a super sharp knife. Because then the toast lasts longer!
I approve this message and encourage further expeditions to the Land of Toast. Adjacent to the Land of Toads, near auto incorrect land. I myself prefer a sourdough with some salted French butter, and a hearty strawberry jam.
Zingerman’s is so great- I think I read they are going to open in NYC? But that Orwasher’s Righteous Rye is a light rye, and I think I need some right now ! Excuse me ! I’m going to make toast!
Merrill... you illustrated the thin strips of toast - toast points are the triangular version, no crust, and small! Of your toast strips! Toast points last longer too but the strips are very aesthetically pleasing .
I am a major crust fancier. In fact, I would rather eat crust than bread. Lately we are making toast out of Indian flatbread from Trader Joe's and it is, quite simply, the best thing in the world. The thin strips each contain crust and can allow me to keep reaching for another piece without actually eating the entire package and then hating myself.
My favorite toast is lightly toasted thick sliced Righteous Rye Boule made by Orwashers, a NYC bakery and sold I think exclusively via Fresh Direct. I would never ever give up the crust on that bread, I would never give up that bread! Plain or with a butter substitute but always lightly toasted! ... I will try the Indian flatbread from Trader Joe’s in the air fryer... it sounds delish.
The Righteous Rye sounds incredible. For a while I used to buy this great Rye from Zingermans and have it shipped. But starting around the pandemic it all became too expensive and i stopped. They had a few kinds of amazing rye tho.
An aesthetically pleasing look for toast spread with chopped hard boiled egg, a sprinkle of chopped 🧅 onion and lots of the caviar of your choice. Of course being a minimalist and still worried about the carb count, sometimes I choose to dispense with the toast points- those darling little triangles- and the eggs, and the onions and just savor the teeny fish eggs!🥳
Very clever and hilarious! I haven’t owned a toaster since college, and yet, I received for Christmas a collection of 5 different small jars of French “ fruit spreads” ( a new way of saying jam??) that are all screaming for toast. And happy new year to this new resolution! 🍞
A toast sandwich might just change my life by making every single other thing seem wildly exciting in comparison. Thank you for the ab workout (from laughing) today.
I, too, VERY MUCH enjoy a piece of toast of an evening. I recommend sour dough, with butter like substance of course. My preference is for "slightly burnt, extremely crunchy." Toast is definitely The Best. And I agree that of course SHE cooked the toast. Happy New Year, MM! -- CC/PP
TOAST! Always a favored food. Through all the years of paranoia about my weight (after losing 50 pounds in highschool, I have always feared finding it), I never deleted delightful TOAST. I think I'll have some now! 😁
I enjoyed your piece. We have added a new toast wrinkle: we have been using Trader Joe's flat bread. 5 minutes in the air fryer. Then a bit of butter substitute. So good. Kind of a little bit crunchy but still chewy.
I'm thrilled to have you on Team Toast. And we, too, use vegan butter. But we don't usually dress up, and isn't that the exciting part of toast? Dress up or down, toast is here for the par-tay. Just love it, like this post.
Toast Tray! You need a toast tray. After great food writer Liz Cook wrote about a toast tray, she gave it to me. I gave it to my friend Aviva, it is now with Jenny. Just absolutely wrecking relationships in its path.
https://open.substack.com/pub/haterade/p/dry-toast-for-the-bourgeoisie?r=16xks&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I read her very funny piece.But the question I came away with mostly is WHAT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THAT SILENT BUTLER? Yes, I know. Gracious living. but more specifically WHAT?
I had to google silent butler and then go look at the ad again. It looks like one of those bed warmer things, that you fill with hot coals and then try not to burn your house down while setting a metal bin of hot coals onto your very flammable quilts.
I ended up taking the tray from Liz. I couldn't help but write about it. Sorry to muck up the comment section with my own writing, but whatever.
Donald Trump ruined luxury. He brought it in, like a head upon a platter, and paraded it around for all to see just exactly what it was – pure selfishness. Every embellishment a nod to exploitation and exclusivity. Every best thing, trotted across the globe, ravishing the earth so that I, the most important person in the whole world, can enjoy this moment, just a little bit more than you, the plebian watching on the internet. Because luxury, and every vacation facebook post, and fancy dinner Instagram photo, and every ‘hey look at me’ is just another way to say, “Fuck You, pleb.” You are not in my club. You are not at my table. Luxury, as it were, is about you, the other, watching Me, The Man.
It's been a rough 6 years or whatever for fancy dinners. I used to be young. And now I am old. I have kids telling we what to eat. When thinking about going out to eat, my main concern is will it make my life easier. I have vague memories of eating at restaurants in NYC that cost more than $100 per person, of dressing up, of trekking to far flung locations to seek out something special. Of proudly proclaiming that I had found the best of something. Before Trump came in and showed me, the only story I was ever telling was, “hey, look at me, I’m rich!”
The last few years I have been consciously avoiding talking about where to shop and what to buy and how to buy it. I have been on the lookout for more commonly available experiences that can play the role of luxurious living. Mostly, I don’t do much. I just sort of sit around and resent income inequality and that everything is just another example of how selfishly exploitative our society is.
But now and then I see some food writing thing that says “Hey, here is something you can do that might be slightly more fun than your average day.” Chive Tea Latte anyone? Maybe a hot beef Sunday? I will see some food writing thing that reminds me that the goal is to get together with people and share food. That this basic activity is timeless and soul nourishing. And it is a Good Thing To Do. No angsty, postmodern, anti-capitalism qualifiers allowed. It’s Good to share food and experiences. It’s good to make fancy drinks to remind ourselves that there is more to it than numbing the mind to lessen the anxiety.
Which brings me to the point. Fancy Toast Party.
Never mind that the only reason I have a top hat is that I have an 8 year old son who wanted to show up his friends at school who wear fedoras. Never mind that I have tuxedo jacket because my look is hobo camp. And never mind that I don’t like to eat too much bread because I think it doesn’t help my digestion.
When someone offers a fancy toast set, you say yes. And yes, the best toast for the job is white toast. Yes because I already have jelly and butter and cream cheese. Yes because I’ve been meaning to get some preserves. Yes because a fancy toast set has dishes that require those things.
There are rules to a fancy toast party. First rule is that there can only be 4 pieces of toast, and the second rule is that you have to have enough butter, cream cheese, jelly and preserves for a loaf of bread. It’s the limits of the set.
I should have just used Aldi white bread, but I wanted to be fancy so I got a loaf of semolina bread from Blackhole Bakery – and I’m not going to feel bad about it. My sister happened to stop by right when I was planning to have the toast party with my kids. So it took a turn toward bourbon and brie cheese and an artichoke.
Some rules are meant to be broken. And to be honest, I’m just making the rules up anyway, right? Famous food writer Liz Cook gave me the set. It had belonged to her grandmother (or someone). She is the one who told me what the dishes were for. So maybe she was making up the rules. Or maybe her grandmother. (Or maybe someone.) Regardless, we ate fancy toast. We ate it with strawberry jelly. And apricot preserves. And cream cheese – softened cream cheese is good for artichokes too! We sat around the table. My kid took his toast to the couch. It was a good change of pace for a Tuesday evening. And I guess it’s fun to dress up and eat toast. Maybe it is a reminder that I don’t dress as much as I ought to. Should I have made choices to be on the country club set? I could work long hours and pay people to bring me fancy toast every afternoon. I digress.
We said our goodbyes and I carefully hand washed the fancy toast set. I brought it to my office so it wouldn’t be confused for a toy – the lightweight lids seem so dainty they might just slip away when you turn your back. I’m looking at it now. A reminder to have a little more fun when I eat. A jacket is not an obligation but an invitation to make a moment special.
Or maybe not.
Anyway, thanks Liz Cook for letting me use the fancy toast set. I encourage others to do the same.
I have read MM’s missive and have tested Toast Positive.
A little dash of cinnamon sugar after the butter melts switches it up nicely for those of us with a sweet tooth that needs satisfying.
Please do not forget toast points! For some who live in luxury, it’s not just the toast, but how it’s shaped.
And then there’s the crust. Or not!
And having studied those very same diet books, I stuck with the original Weight Watchers which permitted one slice of bread or toast at breakfast and two at lunch,
How many are we allowed at 2 AM?
Your pieces inspire a lot of deep thinking and that inspires lots of love and a happy, healthy and good New Yeat! 🥳
But what is the point of Toast Points?
I do not know about Toast Points. What I have innovated is to cut the toast up into very thin strips, with a super sharp knife. Because then the toast lasts longer!
I approve this message and encourage further expeditions to the Land of Toast. Adjacent to the Land of Toads, near auto incorrect land. I myself prefer a sourdough with some salted French butter, and a hearty strawberry jam.
Zingerman’s is so great- I think I read they are going to open in NYC? But that Orwasher’s Righteous Rye is a light rye, and I think I need some right now ! Excuse me ! I’m going to make toast!
Merrill... you illustrated the thin strips of toast - toast points are the triangular version, no crust, and small! Of your toast strips! Toast points last longer too but the strips are very aesthetically pleasing .
I am a major crust fancier. In fact, I would rather eat crust than bread. Lately we are making toast out of Indian flatbread from Trader Joe's and it is, quite simply, the best thing in the world. The thin strips each contain crust and can allow me to keep reaching for another piece without actually eating the entire package and then hating myself.
If you cut it into strips, there’re no calories.
True!!
My favorite toast is lightly toasted thick sliced Righteous Rye Boule made by Orwashers, a NYC bakery and sold I think exclusively via Fresh Direct. I would never ever give up the crust on that bread, I would never give up that bread! Plain or with a butter substitute but always lightly toasted! ... I will try the Indian flatbread from Trader Joe’s in the air fryer... it sounds delish.
The Righteous Rye sounds incredible. For a while I used to buy this great Rye from Zingermans and have it shipped. But starting around the pandemic it all became too expensive and i stopped. They had a few kinds of amazing rye tho.
An aesthetically pleasing look for toast spread with chopped hard boiled egg, a sprinkle of chopped 🧅 onion and lots of the caviar of your choice. Of course being a minimalist and still worried about the carb count, sometimes I choose to dispense with the toast points- those darling little triangles- and the eggs, and the onions and just savor the teeny fish eggs!🥳
Forgive me but you lost me at hard oiled egg and jumped right over board on caviar. Toast is a highly subjective subject!
When the diet industry gets its evil claws on a thin lovely like Ms. Markoe you know we are all doomed. I eat toast in her honor and happy new year.
happy new year to you and Aari and the holy Gaines child, MadameGaines.
Very clever and hilarious! I haven’t owned a toaster since college, and yet, I received for Christmas a collection of 5 different small jars of French “ fruit spreads” ( a new way of saying jam??) that are all screaming for toast. And happy new year to this new resolution! 🍞
A toast sandwich might just change my life by making every single other thing seem wildly exciting in comparison. Thank you for the ab workout (from laughing) today.
I, too, VERY MUCH enjoy a piece of toast of an evening. I recommend sour dough, with butter like substance of course. My preference is for "slightly burnt, extremely crunchy." Toast is definitely The Best. And I agree that of course SHE cooked the toast. Happy New Year, MM! -- CC/PP
TOAST! Always a favored food. Through all the years of paranoia about my weight (after losing 50 pounds in highschool, I have always feared finding it), I never deleted delightful TOAST. I think I'll have some now! 😁
She has a (lucky?) thirteenth piece in her hand! Happy new year to all, and a toast to more toast in 2024.
This is wonderful - I too share your devotion to toast and its close relatives and have written about it here:
https://www.speranzanow.com/?p=3481
I enjoyed your piece. We have added a new toast wrinkle: we have been using Trader Joe's flat bread. 5 minutes in the air fryer. Then a bit of butter substitute. So good. Kind of a little bit crunchy but still chewy.
Peanut butter toast cures insomnia!
Good to know!
Happy New Year! A toast gathering sounds pretty good!
Happy to get this New Years Eve! Thanks and a Happy New Year.
Possibly the gentleman did not make the toast but you just know he has hot baked Brie in parchment in one of his pockets.
I do the toast thing in the morning and it attracts a certain golden doodle to my bed for bites.
I always wondered what was happening in Malibu at 2 am...😊
Hahahahahhaaaa