Women Who Write While Lying on Their Stomachs

BREAKING NEWS: I'm a writer and I'm pretty sure this is not actually possible.

FORWARD: This was one of the very first pieces I posted on this page. I am proud to say that it remains as relevant now as it was when I wrote it. Also, I am banking on the fact that pretty much none of you ever saw it. So join me now as I invite you to BEHOLD an Encore Presentation of my important expose: WOMEN WHO WRITE WHILE LYING ON THEIR STOMACHS.

Let me start with the obvious: I am speaking as someone who writes pretty much every day and changes positions often when I write. I carry my lap top with me from room to room where I sometimes can be found at desks and at tables. Other times I sit on sofas, in comfortable chairs and on beds. And yet I have never written a single word while lying face down on my stomach.

In the interest of full disclosure, I believe I tried it once. In fact, I may even have tried it twice, to be sure I hadn’t overlooked something viable by doing it incorrectly. But then I quickly abandoned the idea because I am not insane. There are so many easier and more comfortable ways to get no writing done.

Yet throughout my life time I have continued to observe dozens and dozens of representations in every type of media showing women attempting to write lying flat on their stomachs, balanced on their elbows. I see these images in ads and in stock photos. This is the most common choice for women writers in movies and on television.

For example, consider the iconic image below, which I would be happy to blame for the whole misunderstanding except I believe I was aware of multiple photos of women attempting this incommodious position even before Sara Jessica decided to try and make it look like it was a practical way for a working gal to multi-task.

So I have decided not to blame the whole thing on Ms. Parker. She may just be another cog in the endless parade of people who voluntarily place insurmountable obstacles in their own way to escape having to write.

And that is why, in this substack forum, I regret to inform everyone, including the photographers of the world who perpetrate this popular misrepresentation, that lying-on-your-stomach is a terrible, if not the worst imaginable position for writing.

Interestingly, after an informal investigation I conducted on three different search engines, I found that 100% of the lying-on-the-stomach-while-writing photos available on the internet are of women. I could not find a single photo involving any other gender variation of a man. Which brings me to my burning question: WHY ? Do they represent a generation of written word pioneers forging ahead in a new frontier full of brand new reasons why writing is completely impossible?

Let us examine a few of these photos I found in a ten minute google search greater detail.

The intense and contemplative demeanor of this sensibly dressed woman suggests that she may break into writing any second. So before we judge her, we must stand in awe of how skilled she has to be at one- handed typing. Because if she plans to write, her other hand is not available for anything useful since it is the way she is holding her torso upright by leaning on her elbow. One false move and she is going to wind up face down on the keyboard. Writing is hard enough without trying to do it one handed and lying face down.

Unsurprisingly, many of the women who attempt this pose sit poised, pens at the ready, hovering atop brand new books of blank untouched pages.

This woman has taken on the outsized challenge of NOT doing two things at the same time. Here we see her not only NOT writing, but also NOT talking on the phone. My intuition tells me that if and when she finally makes contact with whoever she is trying to reach, she will flip over on to her back and abandon writing altogether.

Behold yet another woman staring longingly at a brand new blank book of unused pages. So eager is she to have you imagine that she on the verge of getting some real writing done that she hopes the squiggly lines she has made at the bottom of the page will look to you like symbols from some ancient legitimate alphabet.

This woman, also perched over a completely blank book and wielding an enormous pen, is trying to write lying face down while also balancing a delicately draped blanket on her shoulders. Has there ever been a writer in the midst of writing anything who is capable of beaming a radiant smile like this? If you don’t believe me, go take a look at any author photo in the back of any book. (Fingers crossed that you are one of those people who still knows what a book is and owns one..)

Do not be deceived. This attractive young woman with her pen poised over her totally blank book, may look delicate and feminine. But she has taken on a daunting double challenge. Here she is showing us that NOT ONLY is she planning to NOT succeed in her attempts at writing, but she will do it using a book that requires her to hold the cover open with her other hand. At least she can take comfort in the fact that she knows her hair looks really really good.

This woman has raised the stakes even higher by hovering over her open lap top while balancing a glass full of chardonnay. Her wry, almost whimsical smile, tells us that she has never had to pay to repair a keyboard damaged by a spilled liquid. No wonder she needs that big plate of popcorn near by to keep up her energy. On the bright side, the drunker she gets, the less she will care that she has once again made it impossible for herself to write.

Which brings us to this woman, who is proving to us that she has complete confidence in her ability to consume hot coffee while lying on her stomach and trying to write by defiantly wearing a white shirt. She’s not worried that white is the worst possible color to wear in the worst possible position for writing and drinking hot coffee. No. She’s got this.

On the positive side, the group of women who feel that they can write something meaningful in their totally blank books while lying on their stomachs is apparently ethnically diverse. I am going to take that as a sign of progress of some kind. From a purely patriotic standpoint, I am proud to report that the delusional wanna-be writers in these United States are members of every race, religion and nationality.

This woman is so sure she is going to get some important work done, no matter how unwieldy her approach, that she has taken the unusual step of stashing a potted plant along side her cup of coffee, behind her alarm clock, on top of her bed. And she has done this knowing full well that all of these things are balancing precariously on top of a white bedspread. AND she is wearing headphones. She is obviously all settled in for a busy day of meeting a deadline.

“Dear Diary: You won’t believe what happ…Goddamit. Shit. Sorry. Dammit. Can’t.”

We end on this mysterious woman. Dressed in her finest lingerie, she sits poised on her stomach, ready to do some writing with her enormous pen in her completely untouched book full of blank pages. So devoted is she to wanting to appear carried away by creativity that she has moved a bed into what looks like a hospital waiting room or a corporate headquarters. But why? Well, I have developed an unconventional theory. Further scrutiny has lead me to believe that she is surreptitiously keeping an eye on that lone man on the couch in the back of the room. The angle of her eyes indicates to me that she is aware of his presence but hopes he does not know she is watching him. Does she work for Vladimir Putin? Does he? Did some authoritarian regime demand that she freeze and then maintain this untenable writing position as a way to get the strange man to stare at her butt while some nefarious top secret mission is carried forward? These are some of the questions that can not be answered by me right now. Or ever.

And so we say goodbye to these and other women who have made the already onerous pursuit of writing even more difficult. But as we depart we are left with one very big question: Why is it only women who are drawn to this improbable writing position? Where are the photos of men lying on their stomachs to write?

Well, there IS THIS one photo of a serious man writer.

Yeah. Just no.

I wonder if the inventors of the laptop decided to call it a “lap” top for any particular reason?

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