When Relatives Vote Wrong

How to get along with relatives who are voting for the wrong candidate

Somehow the media in our country has decided that we have no choice but to live in a 365 day election cycle. As soon as any election ends, they start it all up again the very next day. Why they think it is a good idea to do this is anybody’s guess. But now having lived thru the past 11 months of mercurial polling, political party comparisons, horrible sound bites from you-know-who,and projections by everyone of a disastrous future, we have actually arrived at the one month where taking action really matters

Not wanting to subject myself to the terrifying specter of people I do not know slamming doors in my face, I have been trying to feel like I am not doing nothing by writing many, many, many postcards full of unasked for political advice to unregistered and undecided voters. I have no idea why receiving a postcard from me would cause anyone to do anything besides throw away a postcard from me. But there are factions of activists who seem to think it can be effective. So I have decided to listen to them. Who knows? Maybe the recipients of these cards are so incredibly untethered from their own opinions that all my flashy colored pen lettering will be the thing that pushes them into registering as Democrats. That is what I like to pretend while I spend hour after hour wondering who I am writing to and why I am doing this.

But, of course, the upcoming election is not the only nerve wracking thing that is looming. I am already feeling the weight of that other encroaching seasonal behemoth as it creeps nearer and nearer: the endless cavalcade of connecting fallwinter holidays known as Hallogivingmas (BTW: whoever’s idea it was to put the date of the most important election smack in the middle of the approach of the holiday season had damn well better keep their name a secret. Especially this year, when a build up of bad feelings from partisan politics seems to be hitting a new high.)

Anyway, I have thought this whole politics-infested-holiday gatherings problem through. And I have arrived at some tactics I hope can help you face down this avalanche of anxiety.

In a word, the answer to all your problems is: postcards.

Just kidding. The answer is almost definitely not postcards.

Rather, what follows is an assortment of my own personal time-tested methods for defusing potentially explosive but unfortunately mandatory holiday encounters with the contentious but unavoidable people in your life who can not be excised from your permanent list of “loved ones”. Especially those who have known you for years, feel entirely too comfortable with you and therefore have no qualms about freely slathering you all over with their hideous points of view. After all, it’s for ‘your own good.’

One million years ago, at the DNC convention last August, Bill Clinton gave a speech cautioning fellow Democrats against the idea of demeaning voters who don’t share their liberal values. “I urge you to meet people where they are. I urge you not to demean them,” was his advice, “Not to pretend you don’t disagree with them if you do.” he continued, “Treat them with respect — just the way you’d like them to treat you. They deserve empathy, not insults.” Bill Clinton’s judgment is not always good. But in this case, I suppose what he says he makes sense.

Clearly it is incumbent upon us all to find civil, adult ways to communicate with the holders of heinous opinions when we have to mingle with them at the holidays. So, let us all take a deep, cleansing breath, as we try to summon F.D.R.’s empathy for the forgotten man and I attempt to explain my solutions to this thorny annual problem.

1.IMPORTANT: Before attending any social event, especially a holiday themed one involving family, be sure to get lots of strenuous physical exercise.

Studies* have shown that “exhaustion” looks almost exactly like “peace and serenity.” And both present a facade that has a calming effect on others, often causing even contentious conversational partners to back off from their proselytyzing because they think you look drowsy and might not be paying attention. It’s similar to the way it works with yawning. Sometimes the appearance of enormous relaxation can be contagious.

* By ‘studies’ I am referring to random observations by me based on something I experienced or read. I like to think of them as studies. And since this is MY substack page, I will refer to them as studies if I want to. And I don’t really want to hear any more about it.

2.VERY IMPORTANT. Get a hold of a copy of The American Psychiatric Association’s ‘Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’

It’s a pretty big book so this needs to be taken care of as soon as possible. You will need to familiarize yourself with the most frequently encountered symptoms of the common personality disorders before the holidays hit and you find yourself swirling in a maelstrom of someone’s bad conduct with no clue what is going on or how to extract yourself.

I am of the opinion that once you have learned the official name that the American Psychiatric Association gives to this person’s specific brand of intrusive and exhausting behaviors, you have given yourself a leg up on maintaining your own sanity while trying to talk to them. The more specifically you can correlate their vitriol to an officially recognized personality disorder, the easier it will be to move past the alarmingly hostile feelings their horrid opinions are causing in you.

Once you have labeled your ‘loved one’s” disorder, try to identify which childhood trauma might be at the root of the terrible choices this so-called ‘loved-one’ is displaying. The sooner you can convince yourself that what they have is a “disability”, the easier it becomes not to take their nonsensical lunacy personally.

However, I realize that expecting you to read The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’ might be asking a bit much. So at least read the article I posted a few months ago about narcissistic disorder. Then follow up with a Google search that will show you millions of over-simplified entries like this one (which I just picked at random. There are dozens of them, mostly similar.) I realize I can’t force you to read them all, like I probably have. But I can tell you that the sicker you get of reading this stuff, the closer you are to being able to quickly diagnose your uncle or your mother’s best friend’s new husband.

Many of these diagnostic sites also offer checklists of symptoms. I suggest you print out a few that you can stash discreetly on your person at all times. This may require you to adjust your thinking about the outfits you wear to parties, making sure you have access to pockets. But I do believe that dealing with unempathetic, unthinking hateful people becomes easier once you have effectively reduced them to a numbered checklist of symptoms.

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3.Behold The Awesome Power of a Blank Stare

Political arguments are the worst. And effective counter arguments require careful preparation that can be hard to remember. Especially if your irritating opponent starts waving around abstract numerical percentages that you have no way to fact check.

So let’s put arguing aside. You don’t really think people like this care what you have to say about anything, do you? Someone who does not agree with the idea of compassion for the basic human rights of others is not going to listen to your carefully worded, whimsical retorts about saving democracy and the planet.

Instead, allow me to share an easy way to get them to shut up while at the same time using the idea of reciprocal discomfort to push some of the distress they are causing you right back on to them. I am talking about unleashing the most powerful weapon in your arsenal: the intimidating power of the blank stare. This trick, passed on thru the generations in my family of origin, never fails to throw the person to whom it is being directed off balance. Because if life has shown me anything, (and I continue to maintain that it has). it has definitely showed me that a well-timed silence coupled with a complete lack of readable facial expressions can throw a wrench into many a heated argument just by being spooky.

The way it works is that as soon as you hear something infuriating being spoken, respond by relaxing all the features in your face. Focus first on your mouth and then deaden your eyes. If this does not come naturally to you, study this photograph of Bryan Cranston from “Breaking Bad”. Print it out and paste it on your bathroom mirror during the holidays so you always remember the salient details.

By presenting your aggressive loved one with a few long seconds of this expression, you will sometimes be able to shake them to their very core. Then, after a minute or so, begin to avert your eyes. Now refuse to ever look at them again. In most cases they will stop looking at you as well. And this will end the conversation, allowing you to escape to freedom.

4. The unlikely torments of condescending LOVE ABUSE

Sometimes the best way to simultaneously conquer and yet push away an adversary is by forcing upon them egregious acts of grace and kindliness.

Working with the principle here that if someone gives you the finger, there is no more infuriating response than to smile and blow them a kiss, when you find yourself in the midst of a pointless and infuriating politically based discussion, surprise your opponent by reaching out and hugging them warmly. Whisper to them, “I hear that you are very angry and I sense that you are in a lot of pain. So I want you to know that I am here for you if you want to cry. ”

This may cause them to push you away. That is to be expected. But that is also when you surprise them by taking out your phone and sharing with them your special file full of unlikely pairings of inter-species baby animal friends. Perhaps a sweet little monkey who loves an guileless porcupine! A capybara who is best friends with an otter. In a slightly different vein, cats sleeping in an unexpected places, (like a paper bag, a sock drawer or frying pan) are also a good way to go!

Hey! Where has all that seething hatred disappeared to now?

Well, okay. Yes. It’s still right there in front of you in the form of this unavoidable supposed “loved one.” But having created this confusing lull full of adorable baby animals, you will have neutralized the moment enough that you are now free to excuse yourself to go to the restroom.

Then, when no one is looking, run, run, run quickly to your car. Step on the gas, dear reader. And get the hell out of there.

5. AN EQUALLY EFFECTIVE DISTRACTION

Feeding someone’s ego can be a very effective political argument neutralizer.

When your uncle says, “People don’t want a democracy. They want a baby sitter!” or “You know what Elon Musk says? “A Republic of High Status Males is best for decision making.”, you will no doubt begin to feel your heart race and your blood pressure beginning to rise. But instead of exploding, it is time to take another deep cleansing breath. And then when you calm down, look whoever it is in the eye and say, “I’ve been trying to figure out who you remind me of….who is that handsome blonde actor in his 30’s who is so good at playing the self-effacing, reluctant superhero? Bradley someone? Or is he one of those Ryans? I think he might be a Chris?”

This will launch you both into a tranquilizing whirlpool full of only partially remembered details about the raft of conventionally attractive, interchangeable light-haired celebrities and their resumes. And this, as it turns out, is a ‘discussion’ that can last at least as long as it takes for you to finish your meal.

Then of course, a trip to the restroom where you can sneak out.

6. HAVE A PITY PARTY.

Yes! Have a pity party! It’s an underrated idea that can really work.

Everyone is always saying, “Don’t have a pity party,” but that’s because most people don’t know how to throw a good one! The key is to invite both your problematic politically deluded loved ones and also a large number of vain, overly defensive people who are prone to histrionics about vanity issues like thinning hair, under arm flab, or nasal labial folds. If there ever was a group of people who can hold their own with MAGA people, and even overwhelm them, it’s vain people. In a one on one competition for air time, my money is on vain people to dominate.

Yes, it is annoying to have to listen to these people go on and on describing the panic they feel about their physical signs of aging. Or just as bad, the elective procedures they are planning because they feel that their lips are too thin. Yes, you may find yourself recoiling from too much information about their implants or their hair plugs. But its definitely a better kind of recoil than the one that comes from having to listen to GOP talking points.

Also, from an economic standpoint, this is a budget friendly kind of a party to throw because while MAGA people can really pack the food away, vain people often feel they need to lose ten pounds and so prefer to eat nothing at all. So by bringing these two types of people together in a big steaming bouillabaisse, you have also achieved a refreshments two-fer, budget wise.

Having set all these wheels in motion, now all you have to do, as host or hostess, is stand back and watch as they completely wear each other out. This will give you all the chances you will ever need to slip off to a quiet room, listen to classical music and meditate.

You’re welcome.